"Stop Asking Me!"

This is it. I can't pull any more Gideons. I can't keep asking for another sign.

This past year, I have been fighting God because I wasn't sure if He really wanted me to go back to China, so instead, I tried to find every reason to go against this sinking feeling in my head that I should go back this summer. But today was it. I can't keep asking.

Tonight for large group, Crossroads went to YWAM SF Tenderloin to help out with their Hot Chocolate Ministry. But today had just... not been a good day. There was no particular reason to justify why I was in such a bad mood, but I was. Maybe it was because I felt like I didn't sleep particularly well last week. Maybe it was because my online physiology homework took WAY too long. Maybe it was because I didn't get to study for biochemistry or global health and the overwhelming feeling of feeling... overwhelmed was beginning to build up. Maybe it was because I have been feeling really spiritually drained (I'm so ready for Spring Break...), and I have been feeling particularly unworthy and inadequate the past couple of weeks. Maybe it was the culmination of all these things, but the fact of the matter was that I just felt. bad.

And I didn't think I could do anything to help reach the lost in SF. In passing, I kept praying to God that He would just give me peace in knowing that He would be working in me—telling me to have faith, but somehow, my mood still didn't improve. I stayed silent the entire commute to SF, and I just wanted to go home and sleep.

Then the actual outreach began. And....

it was overwhelmingly anticlimatic. The DTS student that led our group didn't ask too many questions—she responded to my questions, but otherwise, she didn't really keep up much conversation. We set out to hand out hot chocolate at 7:30 pm, and we were supposed to come back by 8:40 pm, but the streets were strangely empty that night, so after we walked around a bit and handed out a few cups of hot chocolate, had a short conversation here and there, we went back to the base by 8 o'clock without too much to report for the night. We ended the night with a time of sharing, where my snaps of affirmation got enthusiastically picked up by the DTS students (lol).

Okay, so then why I am spending so much time talking about all this? Because literally in the last 5 minutes, God spoke so powerfully and deeply to me. As we ended the night in prayer, we began to pack our stuff and get ready to leave, but before I could go to grab my backpack, one of the DTS students R immediately pulls me aside and asks if he can pray for me.

A little caught by surprise, I of course reply that yes, he can pray for me. He then says that he just wanted to encourage me that he believed that whatever I was feeling worried about, God wanted to tell me that he wanted to give me guidance and clarity in that area. So I told it all to him, and before he actually prayed for me, the DTS student that led our group just came up to me and gave me a hug, thanking me for... something (I forget exactly what, but just the gesture of the hug spoke loudly). And then he prayed for me, and then I gave him a hug haha.

What he didn't know is that I have been worried out of mind about telling my parents that I'm considering going back to China this summer. Just three weeks ago, they came up to celebrate Chinese New Year's with me, and my mom reminded me that this is my last summer of undergrad—I can't waste this last summer! And I can't shake the sinking feeling that my parents would think that going back to China this summer would be a waste of a summer.

But I can't deny all the signs God has given me over the past year, whether it was some prayer that was said in passing about one person "becoming a long-term missionary in China," or some dream that someone had that I would be the director for an ISEC team, or some random person who gave encouragement to me and a group of friends (without knowing that we were all Christian)—which for me manifested itself in an emphasis on missions in countries like China. I felt like I could take each sign and justify that... it wasn't enough. I kept asking for more—"God, give me another sign to show me that this is actually what you're trying to tell me. God, give me a reason why I shouldn't go work in a lab this summer and study for the MCAT."

And tonight was it. That encouragement the DTS student gave me was enough. It's ironic that in telling me that he believed God wanted to give me guidance and clarity, I was given guidance and clarity.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10
"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

So this is it—China, here I come. I have no idea why God wants me there this summer, and I'm still feeling pretty ashamed of my own sinfulness, but I believe that God is greater than my own weakness. If I'll need to do some convincing with my parents, so be it. If I ruin my chances with medical school, so be it, but I'm choosing to allow God to present his power in the face of my weakness.

Indian Rock

I got to go on a run this morning, and by the grace of God, it was an even bigger blessing than I had asked for (I mean, all I really wanted was to have the will to exercise a little.... haha)!! :) :)

You see, I woke up this morning, prepared to continue studying for my physics midterm (which is tonight, and God has given me a lot of peace for that too), but for some reason or another, I decided I also wanted to take out around one and half hours of my completely free morning to go on a run too. I remembered how I saw the sidewalks wet on my walk home last night and stuck my hand out my apartment's "balcony" window to feel a light sprinkle, but I decided that it wasn't going to stop me, so I quickly changed and prepared to leave.

Backtrack to last Tuesday as I was frantically trying to finish my History paper, in a dizzy headache, I decided I needed a break and was going to run to Indian Rock and do my devos to detox. I have never been to Indian Rock before, so I looked it up before I left and saw that it was a few blocks north of Safeway on Shattuck and decided that was enough information for me to find my way there, but within five minutes of setting out from my apartment, the flimsy drawstring backpack I put my Bible in decided to give out. I stood there for a few minutes, contemplating what to do now, disappointed that I couldn't finish what I had set out to do (unless I was planning on running 5 miles with a broken drawstring backpack......). So that day, I settled to just do my devos near Kroeber Fountain and went home afterwards.

However, today, I was determined (and also didn't have any baggage weighing me down). Without checking again where Indian Rock was (I trust my memory, right...?), I set out along the east edge of campus, rounded the corner on Hearst, and as I approached Shattuck, I decided to turn on a street called The Arch, because I prefer running through residential areas. But soon, I realized that I had no idea where Shattuck was in relation to all these hilly residential streets, but I pressed on and continued in a general northwest trajectory. After a bit, I realized I hit the most west I could go (@Henry Street), and I became a little concerned that I still hadn't seen Shattuck at all. But I continued Northward nonetheless. Soon, I saw a tunnel, and at this point, I was pretty convinced that I wasn't going to get to Indian Rock, but I was content that I simply found the will to go on a run.

As I approached the tunnel, I saw stairs to the right. Seeing as I probably couldn't run through the tunnel itself, I ran up the stairs and found myself at The Circle, which I'm kinda familiar with because of all the "走 local" drives to 99 Ranch. I ran around the western edge of The Circle, trying to find Shattuck to no avail. So I decided to go down Marin Avenue, but soon realized (yes, this might be TMI) that I kinda had to poo... I was going to push onwards, but soon decided that no... I had to head back and find a bathroom. As I made my way back around the eastern perimeter of The Circle, my eyes caught a glance of something out of the corner of my eye—"Indian Rock Avenue."

"Hm... sounds promising."

And that is the story of how I unexpectedly found Indian Rock.

So why go through all this trouble in telling this story? I believe that God really encouraged me in the process of this run.

I knew where Indian Rock was, and I knew the general direction I had to go to get there, but honestly, I didn't actually know how to get there. I realized that there are a lot of situations in my life right now, where I see an end goal (and I pray fervently for those things to come to fruition!), but I look towards those goals right now, and I honestly have no idea how God is going to bring me or the people involved there. I look at the hearts of some of those around me and feel like things are futile and the chance of things looking up seems fairly bleak. But God really showed me that He is the one that will be leading the way. I may not know securely in my heart that I'm going the right way, but I have to trust that He is leading me the right way and to therefore obey Him. Even something so insignificant like the natural need to use the restroom can somehow lead you down the right path. Of course, to extend this metaphor, this means that even when I feel like I don't know which way I'm going, I still have to run. I still have to press onward, and somehow, even in my lack of faith (when I decided that I was not running to Indian Rock anymore and was just going on a nice, brisk jog around North Berkeley this gloomy, rainy morning), God will prove again and again that He is faithful even when I am not. And there is such peace, security, and joy in re-realizing this truth! Abba Father, how You care for us. How You tend to your flocks, even in our ignorance, our weaknesses, our faithlessness. You are worthy of praise.

P.S. Also, random blessing, even though at certain points the rain started to get a little heavier than a light sprinkle, my headphones (which I wore the whole run) and iTouch were completely fine. Divine favor? Maybe, idk, but a small thing to be grateful for. :)

Count Your Blessings

Ahhhh, God is so good!!!
This week has been so good! Even though I have not had the time or the heart the seek God more in my quiet time this week, he has blessed me abundantly!!

- Sunday, September 9th — Had a meeting with people in explicit roles of leadership for Crossroads and we hashed out details, and talked about being of one vision. It was slightly stressful, but so necessary and really good for us to seek unity!!
— Met the newcomers in FCS and it was amazing - I'm so fond of them!! I'm excited to work for the kingdom with them and help them to seek Him more! :)
— Died because the freshmen that have been checking out CFCC are SO. FREAKING. CUTE. They like reach out and are intentional and are like friends with each other, and just everything that's super encouraging to me, asking to join our fb group and posting cute selfies of themselves eating dinner. I literally died for like 30 min seeing all the cute stuff they posted on social media. Like literally couldn't do anything else for 30 min... I am not kidding. I'm so excited to love them and walk with them towards Christ!

- Monday, September 10th —Had a meeting with small group leaders for this semester, and it was so good! Really got to see that we were all seeking to see people live out their faith this semester, and God has been giving me a lot of inspiration for things to do with our small group this semester; giving me vision and giving me conviction!! :)

- Tuesday, September 11th — Met up with a freshman who came out to our Welcome Event last Friday, and he "screwed" up telling his life story to me, which really just meant he ended up sharing a lot of personal things to help explain where he is, and it ended up hitting really close to home. God has really placed a huge care for this kid in my heart, and I'm really hoping to be able to meet him where he is and really be able to show him a glimpse of God's love in the hopes that he'll be able to let God in and heal him in the ways the church has hurt him.

- Wednesday, September 12th — Survived another 7 am - 3 pm day... That enough is a PTL moment haha. !!
— Sang on Sproul to let the FCS newcomers experience what singing outside would be like for our first Sproul tomorrow! We got to actually talk to people that stopped by, who will hopefully come and support us through the semester/that might be interested in auditioning next semester! Praise God!
— Met up and caught up with a friend I met from CalSO. We talked about her continued struggle to see God with the right mindset. Even though she wanted me to share about my experience in China this summer, she ended up sharing about her experience finding a job/internship she wanted this past summer, and her struggle to not approach God selfishly and then with a hoard of guilt. I got to share my own experience in looking for a job — the humility and focus on Him God gave me through the process, and how I came out on the other side still seeking Him. Through a series of exchanges afterward, she came to decide that she wanted to explicitly and intentionally recommit her life to Christ! She's talking to someone else from my fellowship to hopefully set up some sort of accountability so that she doesn't just stray away from this conviction again. !!!1 Ahhhh1!!!!!131!!

God has been SO good. Even though sometimes I now feel restless — especially with Welcome Week dying down, God has still been blessing me so abundantly!! And really showing me how only through seeking Him will I be able to choose and find joy in this broken and sinful world.

sigh
#PTL
need to #ritl
/dies

Welcome Night!

There's a lot of thoughts that have ran through my head in this past week and a half back in Berkeley, and honestly, many weren't necessarily too positive and many were fairly critical (on both myself and others).

But God is really breaking down my pride and showing me that I am nothing and He is everything. He is showing me how much I will learn in this upcoming semester when I come before Him in service and in humility, and how true it is that it is His love that ravishes my soul. God, how much will it take before your love breaks me down into complete worship, adoration, and surrender? 

Literally, this past week has been a constant stream of, "How can I push the people around me to love God more? How can I love God more? How can I be intentional with those around me? How can I 

I

       I 

              I

                     I..." 

when all You have called me to do is to receive and respond to your love — in the most natural way possible.

And in the midst of trying to take responsibility and tell freshmen to receive and whatnot, I have definitely — whether consciously or not — taken a position of pride, one that says of course the upperclassman treats the underclassmen to food and boba, of course the upperclassman initiates conversation, of course the upperclassman reaches out and does x, y, and z. 

But today, in the simple act of four freshmen adamantly requesting to walk ME home instead of ME walking THEM back to the dorms because they could walk the two blocks back to the dorms together as a group of four, God is reminding of little I am, how I am nothing but His ambassador to attempt to spread the truth of His love. Anything good I do that I believe to be from me is. nothing. 

Nothing.

But rather would all glory and honor be to Him alone.

Welcome to Berkeley, class of 2018. May God continue to surprise me with the way He works.

Tough Love

"You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself."

Matthew 22:37-39 (ESV)

God. I do not love you nearly enough. And my life is a testimony that I need that love — in the ways that I judge people, in the ways that I am selfish, in the ways that I stress and worry (mainly about myself). So Father, would you show me more and more each day what living with these two commandments as my guide and light looks like. 

"If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him, and if he sins against you seven times in the day, and turns to you seven times, saying, 'I repent,' you must forgive him."

Luke 17:3-4 (ESV)

Yet when I see or hear of parts of the body failing to (or appearing to fail to) even attempt to orient their lives around living out these two commandments, Father, how do I rebuke them with love? How do I express with love that living in any way that isn't geared in this manner is essentially living in sin — living separate from you? 

"The apostles said to the Lord, 'Increase our faith!' And the Lord said, 'If you had a faith like a grain of mustard seed, you could say to this mulberry tree, 'Be uprooted and planted in the sea,' and it would obey you."

Luke 17:5-6 (ESV)

Lord, you respond saying that even if we have a pitiful amount of faith — the size of the smallest seed — we could even move one of the largest trees. Father, would I have faith that you will (as you have been) moving in the hearts of people, moving them and myself closer to knowing your heart — would I be reassured that even the faith of a mustard seed is enough for you to work in huge, powerful ways, Father, and would it be such a source of praise and joy in your handiwork. Oh would you fix my gaze upon your face!

Amen.

Good-byes

The past three weeks have been heavy with good-byes - good-byes until the next time and good-byes until the next life. With the expected coming of graduations and the recent school shootings, this topic has been weighing heavily on my heart. I think the long process of considering these things over the past month can be well summed up with an excerpt from Henri Nouwen's The Inner Voice of Love:

"When you 'love' someone or 'miss' someone, you experience an inner pain. Bit by bit you have to discover the nature of this pain. When your deepest self is connected with the deepest self of another, that person's absence may be painful, but it will lead you to a profound communion with the person, because loving each other is loving in God... 

Death or absence does not end or even diminish the love of God that brought you to the other person. It calls you to take a new step into the mystery of God's inexhaustible love. This process is painful, very painful, because the other person has become a true revelation of God's love for you. But the more you are stripped of the God-given support of people, the more you are called to love God for God's sake. This is an awesome and even dreadful love, but it is the love that offers eternal life."

The Inner Voice of Love, Henri Nouwen (63-64)

It all started when I first discovered I was going to be saying good-bye to a cherished friend a year earlier than expected. I felt that pain. I was angry. I wanted to accuse and blame him for not handling the situation better. I wanted him to apologize and make up for it. But most of all, I didn't want to say good-bye. After the anger passed, I found myself feeling an immense sorrow - 
I... did not want to say good-bye.

Then as finals ended and graduations ensued, in my head, each "good bye" and "see you later" was followed with a "but until when...". Each resulted in more and more of that inner pain. And as I read this excerpt weeks later, it is apt of Nouwen to say that all these good-byes are "painful, very painful, because [those people have] become a true revelation of God's love for [me]" (64). I loved and delighted in being able to fellowship and share life with these people, and now life is moving on. Did (Do) I trust that the constancy of the Lord was (is) enough? 

Without enough time to properly reflect on this set of good-byes, I was shocked with two tragic university shootings, occurring only one week apart from each other - one of which resulted in the death of my high school classmate, one of which resulted in the death of an acquaintance of a friend I'm visiting. And with these good-byes, I don't think that they necessarily fall under the category of pain that Nouwen describes in the excerpt above. However, there is still a very heavy pain that comes with thinking about the passing of these young men, and there is an aspect of grappling for the Lord's presence. 

It isn't the same gaping hole that one may feel when considering the lack of "support of people," but more so the gaping hole that comes in having to once again ask oneself, "Do I trust that through all these things, God is good? Do I trust that somehow He emerges - nay, has already emerged - victorious in the midst of tragedy? By the grace of God, can I find the strength to continue to pursue Him whole-heartedly?" 

And it's easy to want to say no. It's easy to discount all the testimonies and revelations of God's love for me and His people. It's easy to want to shut down and wallow in humanity's sinfulness. It's easy to want to brush it under the rug and live as I've always lived. And even now, I don't know how to continue properly living my life while also properly mourning these events. 

However, I do realize that even though I don't really have any answers at this point, I still have to continue living life. So when it comes to "until next time," I have come to understand more sincerely in my heart to see that "absence does not end or even diminish the love of God that brought [me] to the other [people in my life]". I'm beginning to learn to simply appreciate those times that God spoke to me through these people I have to say good-bye to and to see that they have helped me grasp a deeper understanding of the Lord, all without getting stuck in that inner pain. When it comes to "until the next life," I am still grappling to understand what it means to trust in His promises, but I know that I must hold onto the truths He's given me. 

I may be finding myself slowly taking uncertain steps into unknown territory, but I am steadily finding it clearer that though "dreadful" at times, this "is the love that offers eternal life". May I come to take joy in this painful process. May I come to see it as a lens through which I may focus in on his inexhaustible love. 
__________________________________________________________________________________

P.S. I have not written anything cohesive for... quite a while now, so I apologize if things don't exactly flow well. I've been proofreading this for awhile now and have decided to just leave it as is even though I'm not really satisfied with how it reads, but WOTEVS - just means that I have to start blogging more regularly again haha. Thanks for bearing with me. 

It's Okay To Have Needs

This past Thursday marked my first discipleship meeting with Kiki, and it was. so. good. To put things into context, I suppose I could say that this semester has been, at the very least, pretty difficult. Although the things I've been struggling with could be diagnosed as some of the symptoms of "sophomore slump," I don't think that I've fallen into the infamous sophomore slump, but this semester has been a struggle nonetheless. A lot of stress has come out of scheduling conflicts, feeling isolated in my apartment, and feeling convicted of problems I've observed, but feeling unable to share those thoughts with the people here or feeling like things aren't moving forward with these problems. It's really all just culminated in this pervasive feeling of loneliness and isolation.

I don't doubt that God has been good. He has shown through so many instances that he is there, he comforts me, and he provides, yet I still continue to fall into this self-perpetuating cycle of apathy, isolation, and paranoia, I continually beat myself up for problems that I have created myself, which only makes me feel isolated all the more.

__________

"You might need certain things that the community cannot provide. For these you may have to go elsewhere from time to time. This does not mean that you are selfish, abnormal, or unfit for community life. It means tha tyour way of being present to your people necessitates personal nurturing of a special kind.

Do not be afraid to ask for these things." 

The Inner Voice of Love, Henri Nouwen (68-69) 

I read this first at the end of last semester, and it was truly an answered prayer to hear those words at the time. After talking to Kiki though, I was suddenly again reminded of these words, recognizing that... I do have needs - needs to express the convictions of my heart, needs to have a community that graciously and lovingly supports me through my stress (even if they may seem insignificant or easily resolved), needs to share life with those around me -- and it's okay--nay, necessary-- for me to voice these needs to trusted companions around me.

I've been stuck in this box of paranoia -- constantly falling victim to the voices in my head, telling me that I'm needy, overbearing, unpleasant to be around, unwanted. When it isn't those voices of insecurity, it's the self-righteous and prideful voices of -- oh, they wouldn't be able to help or encourage me anyway, they don't understand, they don't think about these things enough, they won't know what to say. But Kiki showed so much grace to me both in the ways I felt inadequate and in the ways I felt neglected, and he even went further to exhort me through my struggles.

It was so, so life-giving.

And so started discipleship. I'm so genuinely verily so excited to nurture this relationship with Kiki in the upcoming semester and hopefully in the years of undergrad to come. For now, I know that I'm still going to struggle with these feelings of loneliness; one great conversation is not going to affect instantaneous change. Rather, it's going to be a arduous, continuous process of learning to embrace the Father's grace and seek his face, even as I feel lonely. Father, would you give me the strength to move forward, even when every fiber of my very being wants to crumple up and break down. Father, truly you are my sustaining grace and source of strength.

Amen.