It's Okay To Have Needs

This past Thursday marked my first discipleship meeting with Kiki, and it was. so. good. To put things into context, I suppose I could say that this semester has been, at the very least, pretty difficult. Although the things I've been struggling with could be diagnosed as some of the symptoms of "sophomore slump," I don't think that I've fallen into the infamous sophomore slump, but this semester has been a struggle nonetheless. A lot of stress has come out of scheduling conflicts, feeling isolated in my apartment, and feeling convicted of problems I've observed, but feeling unable to share those thoughts with the people here or feeling like things aren't moving forward with these problems. It's really all just culminated in this pervasive feeling of loneliness and isolation.

I don't doubt that God has been good. He has shown through so many instances that he is there, he comforts me, and he provides, yet I still continue to fall into this self-perpetuating cycle of apathy, isolation, and paranoia, I continually beat myself up for problems that I have created myself, which only makes me feel isolated all the more.

__________

"You might need certain things that the community cannot provide. For these you may have to go elsewhere from time to time. This does not mean that you are selfish, abnormal, or unfit for community life. It means tha tyour way of being present to your people necessitates personal nurturing of a special kind.

Do not be afraid to ask for these things." 

The Inner Voice of Love, Henri Nouwen (68-69) 

I read this first at the end of last semester, and it was truly an answered prayer to hear those words at the time. After talking to Kiki though, I was suddenly again reminded of these words, recognizing that... I do have needs - needs to express the convictions of my heart, needs to have a community that graciously and lovingly supports me through my stress (even if they may seem insignificant or easily resolved), needs to share life with those around me -- and it's okay--nay, necessary-- for me to voice these needs to trusted companions around me.

I've been stuck in this box of paranoia -- constantly falling victim to the voices in my head, telling me that I'm needy, overbearing, unpleasant to be around, unwanted. When it isn't those voices of insecurity, it's the self-righteous and prideful voices of -- oh, they wouldn't be able to help or encourage me anyway, they don't understand, they don't think about these things enough, they won't know what to say. But Kiki showed so much grace to me both in the ways I felt inadequate and in the ways I felt neglected, and he even went further to exhort me through my struggles.

It was so, so life-giving.

And so started discipleship. I'm so genuinely verily so excited to nurture this relationship with Kiki in the upcoming semester and hopefully in the years of undergrad to come. For now, I know that I'm still going to struggle with these feelings of loneliness; one great conversation is not going to affect instantaneous change. Rather, it's going to be a arduous, continuous process of learning to embrace the Father's grace and seek his face, even as I feel lonely. Father, would you give me the strength to move forward, even when every fiber of my very being wants to crumple up and break down. Father, truly you are my sustaining grace and source of strength.

Amen.

Why Do I Freak Out?

So why do I worry?
Why do I freak out?
God knows what I need
You know what I need

Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong

Your Love is Strong, Jon Foreman

Hearing this come up on Pandora today served as a gracious reminder of the truth of Isaiah 55:8-9:

"My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts," says the Lord.
"And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine.
For just as the heavens are higher than the earth,
so my ways are higher than your ways
and my thoughts higher than your thoughts." 

Father, it's been a long and hard day (kinda) studying for Bio.
Father, I pray I would continue to assess the state of my heart as I continue to study.
Father, I pray you would continue to give me peace as I go through this material.

Foreman ends his song with the Lord's Prayer, and such sweet words they are - words that remind me my Lord provides for his beloved ones, remains sovereign, and deserves our undying worship.

"Our God in heaven
Hallowed be
Thy name above all names
Your kingdom come
Your will be done
On earth as it is in heaven
Give us today our daily bread
Forgive us weary sinners
Lead us far away from our vices
And deliver us from these prisons."

__________________________________________________________________________________

We Must Fight

This semester, I'm playing on an IM co-rec indoor soccer team with Crossroads, and this is the first time in ages that I've played a team sport. First things first, one thing I realized was that boy oh boy, I am out of shape. The whole game is only 40 minutes with two 20 minute halves. I'm pretty sure I only played like for like a third of the second half, but by the time I tapped out, I was like dead. Our supporters commented that I was pretty flail-ly too (kinda like this); I am not surprised.

But beyond that, as I was running back and forth from one end of the gym to the other, a pervading thought continued to press on in my head. You see, even though I had not played a competitive sport in a long time, it didn't stop me from being competitive, and it didn't stop me from trying to play the game. And I was suddenly convicted of the greater "game" we're playing here - the battle we fight daily against Satan to pursue Christ and spur others to equally find and pursue Christ.

And it suddenly hit me how little effort and drive I put into playing this game. To put it into perspective of a sports game, sometimes I feel like that guy who's just... walking around the spiritual field, eyeing the ball - the one who has accepted a spirit of defeat.

The hour before the IM game, I was struck with a lot of stressful news. I found out that I can't start my field placement at Aspire Cal Prep tomorrow morning because my TB tests actually just expired last summer, and I need to turn in current TB test results (within the past four years - yeah, I know, a bit part of this was also my fault for not checking earlier - and knowing that doesn't make things better...) to the CalTeach offices before I can start going into the classrooms. Then I looked at the free TB test services, and with my schedule (especially with retreat this weekend), it's looking like it'll be really difficult to even get that TB test done before next Thursday (there is a possible way for me to do it before then; it's just going to be really tight on time and just *sigh* kinda stressful).

In order to volunteer at my other field placement in a 3rd grade classroom at Washington Elementary school, I need to have a Berkeley Public School badge that I'd wear on campus. I was supposed to get the badge on Monday at the CalTeach orientation, but I couldn't make the original Berkeley Public School orientation last Tuesday because of my FSI section, so I made up the orientation last Thursday. However, because I went to a later orientation, my badge hasn't come in yet, so I'm not allowed to go to that field placement either (although I found out an e-mail later that the teacher didn't want us to go in tomorrow anyway, because they're doing Valentine's Day festivities tomorrow morning in the 3rd grade class I'm going into - too cute...).

And on top of all that, I haven't actually got in contact with the nephrologist I'm supposed to shadow this semester, and I just feel like I've accepted a spirit of defeat in worrying about these things. I feel especially overwhelmed by all these minimum requirements - 12 hours at Washington Elementary, 24 hours at Aspire Cal Prep, 60 hours of shadowing - simply because while everyone else has started getting their hours already, various obstacles have been preventing me from being able to start as early as I can. I realize the Enemy has a huge drive to disparage us and break us down. It's up to us to decide whether we're willing to fight back.

I often say to myself, "Jason, remember, the victory has already been won" but do I truly believe it? Do I really act and fight like I know I've already won? More often than not, I find myself playing the loser. Father, we often find ourselves in the middle of this war, acting either like there's no battle to fight or there's no battle we can win. I pray that you would remind us daily of the victory we have in your Son's sacrifice, and in that, we would remember, we must fight. Because from now until the end of time, Satan will never stop trying to convince as many of God's warriors as possible that they have been defeated, so truly...

we must fight.

Food For Thought

I recently stumbled upon this article that I heavily resonated with.

Father, would you be convicting my heart of its sinful nature and of the ways I fall into the hypocrisy described in Matthew 7:5.

You know my heart

Would sanctify and purify it, for you have made me new.