Work

Hellllloooooo last day of work, woot woot!!
(Yes, this means I'm writing this during work - or at least starting it at work)
(EDIT: Yeah, only got like 3 paragraphs written during work, lol...)

Wow, um... I have been working here for the past three months and two weeks, and... to say the least... it sucked. As the summer continued on, I began to dread more and more those nine hours I would have to spend each day in that tiny mailroom office, and I began to cherish more and more ANY time I got to go home, haha.

There were a lot of issues I had with this job.

I didn't like the way that people would gossip or talk trash about each other and other people behind their backs (and this was only worsened by the fact that we lived on one floor together - the line between work and personal life was seriously, seriously blurred). It bothered me that all three of my "bosses" (senior clerks versus our lowly conference clerk status) are self-acclaimed Christians, fairly involved in their respective churches (present or past), yet they were anything but the picture of grace and love that our Saviour upholds (and it made matters even worse because one actually goes to my church). And I couldn't handle just how confrontational people were, as I kinda had a small culture shock coming into this job (the vast majority of my coworkers - 10/13 - were either black or pretty immersed in the black community). Overall, the job was somehow stressful when it really shouldn't have.

But this job... it was such a great prayer that God had answered...

(See here to kinda understand where I was coming from in terms of job searching and whatnot if you don't already know from one source or another.)

When I first got the job, I was overjoyed! You know, I was thinking, "Wow, I serve such a good God, who provides for and watches over me!" But after a few short weeks, I was beginning to wonder why God had placed me here in this place. At first, I really thought it was God calling me to place myself in this workplace both as a financial source and a mission field, but as the summer continued on, I could just not see myself continuing through with this place for another four months. And after consulting multiple people, we all agreed that it was best for - and healthiest for - me to quit this job.

So how do I see God's hand over the duration of this job? Although the majority of my time here was unpleasant, boring, or stressful, there were various instances throughout the past 15 weeks that were very praiseworthy.

To begin with, just working this job was still very eye-opening. I was still very much so immersed into the world because of this job. I saw facets and aspects of people that I really had never seen before, because I've always hung around Christians or people with fairly Christian-like values, and in that way, God definitely opened my eyes to the depravity and brokenness of this world (particularly through the ways conflict arose and was 'resolved' in this workplace).

But above that, I got to have at least one good conversation with almost all my coworkers about religion and what they believed. By the end of summer, I found out that 11/13 of my coworkers either believed in the omnipotent God or practiced Christianity to some extent. And I think that - or at least hope that - in one way or another, I was able to be a light to them, whether it was in those specific conversations or through listening to Jesus Culture on Pandora whenever I was on the computer (although honestly, I personally kinda just needed that while I was in the office, haha....) or just the way that I carried myself in the office (I hope I did you proud, Jesus!).

For one specific coworker, I told her about how I wasn't coming back to this job for the academic school year. When she asked me why I had decided to leave, I told her how for me, part of it was just trusting that my God is a good God that will provide for me. Two days later, I found out that she wasn't coming back for the school year either, and when I asked her what made her decide not to come back anymore, she said that "that thing [I] said about faith" helped her come to terms with her decision to leave the job as well. (It was actually at that point that I found out that she was Christian!) It was so encouraging to know that just the way I spoke in conversation and was willing to be bold about sharing my reasoning for things (even if it involved God) could impact those around me. And that one comment from her actually got us into a really good conversation about God, the role we believe the church should have in our relationship with God, etc., and I even got to share with her my testimony of how God has been faithful to me as I personally struggled with the idea of community this summer.

If you want to hear about the specific conversations I was able to have with my coworkers, feel free to ask me how they went. I'd be more than happy to share, but... I don't think I should type them ALL out here, haha.

But yeah, as I look back and assess the past 15 weeks of work, I think it was really cool to just see how God was really with me. He truly was my guide as I struggled to see why He wanted me to be here at this particular job this summer. Praise Him for continually revealing the convictions for His heart and for truly never failing to love us - for discipling and pruning us so that we may lean not on our understanding as He sets our paths straight.

Reflections

This is going to be a composition of random thoughts as the school year is rapidly approaching - there will be a couple posts giving culminating summer reflections later (at least that's the hope).

I'm probably going to be deactivating my facebook soon - for various reasons. But before I was going to deactivate it, I wanted to go through pictures and save the ones that I really liked, because y'know, I'm not going to be able to access them whenever I want.

And as I went through the pictures from this past summer, I kinda took a step back and assessed where I am now - spending lots of time alone, pining for home pretty often - and where I was in the beginning of the summer - really, really excited to spend the summer at Berkeley - and I'm wondering to myself, how did I get to where I am?

I mean, obviously, I know - just looking at this blog already kinda gives a glimpse of a picture of what happened this summer. And it was a very gradual change, but at the same time, with school about to start, I suddenly have no idea how to process it all and take solid steps into the school year. I'm scared, and I'm unsure of how to handle it all.

I'm sitting at my dining table, kinda practicing for boot camp, and I'm so excited for FCS and the school year and everything to start again, yet... I have this feeling inside of me that... I'm not ready yet.

But I guess that's the beauty of it all. So long I remember that I have a God who loves me, watches over me, and desires for me to grow closer to Him, how can I fail? The victory is already mine.

Thoughts

It's okay to be content with God,
but never be content with where you are with God - you can always go deeper.

Ah how fickle our human hearts are; mold them to be more and more aligned with Yours, Father.

Making Decisions

My good friend Catherine wrote this poem, and I think it really conveys the feelings of confusion to frustration to hope as we fumble around on our walk with God, until we once again realize that our lives are in His hands.

"i'm not sure
the reliability of signs and symbols 

beyond signals and smoke,
i hope,
believe in his existence
presence and vitality

i hold to
faith.
something surer
than my stumbling, rambling reason 

there is truth
and that is: 

i cannot fall, cannot shrink, cannot regret
when i walk
side by side
with the giver of grace,
who is larger than life."

Unexpected Blessings

Har har, before I begin, as a disclaimer, I'd like to apologize, because I feel like whenever I blog, I only actually have a few lines of substance/talking about the actual point of the post, while the rest of the post is just explaining the situation haha. Good job sticking here with me, and reading my poor excuse of what I like to call my coherent thoughts. 0:) Um.... yeeeah, yay disclaimers.
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My family irritates me to no end sometimes. Don't get me wrong, I love them, and I appreciate them so much for what they've done to shape me into the person that I am today. But seriously, being an ABC means that communication can just be so frustrating at times. You could be talking, and for all you know, you guys are actually talking about completely different things.

Today, I had a couple family friends from SoCal (one who is two years older than me - Kelvin - and one who is five years younger than me - Stephanie), along with their cousin from Xiamen (six years younger than me - Tony a.k.a. "Cong Cong") and my little sister, come up to visit me at Berkeley. We ate Toss for lunch (it was aight - the portions were kinda small for the price, and the food itself was a little too salty/oily for my taste), and then I gave them the grand tour of Berkeley. And by grand tour, I mean, I took them to see Echo Wall, the dinosaur models in VLSB, and the various architectural... toys of our campus (the new silver rings near Gianini, the four red slide-y things near GPB). It was great. Then we grabbed C.R.E.A.M. and Kelvin then went to Foster City to visit another friend.

So we went back to my apartment where the kiddos just played cards until the parents came, and it was time for us to go to dinner - and that's when things started to go downhill.

I've been thinking - the true state of our hearts are tested when we're put in situations that are hard for us. The way we respond shows so much about what we truly believe, and I couldn't help but have feelings of frustration in respect to communication, irritation from the noise level, and impatience when it came to dealing with my parents.

So when we finally got to Sliver, sat down, and received our pizzas, I just started praying hard for this meal. It was such a great opportunity to spend quality time with my family and see these family friends who I haven't seen for over 2.5 years, and all I could do was get irritated so, so quickly. The little guy from China (Tony) was sitting next to me, and after I finished praying, he innocently asked me, "What were you doing?" in Chinese. And I told him I was praying (in Chinese - well I told him in Chinese, I didn't actually pray in Chinese, lol as if I could do that). And he asked, "Why?".

And at that point, I began to see how even in my weakness and inability to mimic Christ's character, that our God is truly our redeemer. I explained to him that I prayed for the food, because I was thankful for my God who has provided this meal for me. And I was filled with such joy because I got to share just a small piece of my faith with this lil guy (I mean, he's from China; they don't hear much about the gospel...).

Interestingly enough, his family is considering moving to America. Earlier today, I asked him how he felt about moving here, and he said he wasn't really sure. Then during dinner, I asked him whether he liked where I'm from (NorCal/Bay Area/Berkeley) or where my family friends are from (SoCal/LA), and where he'd like to live if he were to move to the States. He said NorCal (LOL #winning), and so I asked him why. He said it looked like there's more stuff going on here, and I kinda chuckled to myself, because y'know, L.A. being the hub of today's entertainment world. Yet after being here for a day and in SoCal for the past three weeks, that was still his explanation for why he'd want to live in NorCal, and I just felt this conviction that God wants me to either a) be intentionally be praying for this innocent, open soul to receiving Christ, or b) be on the lookout for this guy's move to America so I can physically reach out to him when he's here - whenever that may be.

He's going to my home church tomorrow before my family friends head back down to L.A., and I just pray that he'll be receptive to hearing God's voice. It was such a blessing to have been able to share with Tony even such a small aspect of my faith, and I really hope this isn't the last I see of him.

You Bless Me: Pt. 1

I went home for the past week, and as I posted previously, I've been really, really homesick, and by God's grace, it was such a blessing to be home this past week. To all you readers out there, let me walk you through the past week, because seriously, God's love and grace was just ALL over the past week.

Edit: Going back and looking at this post, it's a mega-post, so I'm going to be splitting this week into two separate posts.

Point 1: Mom

Originally, my vacation from work was supposed to start on Thursday, but because other peoples' vacations fell through, I got to go home on Wednesday night, and this was actually really great.

For those of you who I have not told (per my mother's consent I am allowed to disclose this information), about three weeks ago, I got an e-mail from my mom saying that she had been diagnosed with breast cancer, and... I kinda freaked out at first, but she later told me that it was super stage 0 (the tumor was only a couple millimeters wide) and that they had caught it super early on during her annual mammogram. And there were already several ways that we as a family had been able to see how this diagnosis was a blessing in disguise - or that God seriously redeems the problems that sin has brought into our world. Because of this diagnosis, I got to go home that weekend three weeks ago to be there for my mom's consultation. Because of this diagnosis, we as a family got the opportunity to really show support to each other; honestly, we do not connect very well, and we don't spend much time together. Because of this diagnosis, my sister is forced to grow up, in character and in love. Because of this diagnosis, we are reminded that we are not in control, and that everything in our lives are in His hands, and we should live as if that truth were the only thing we were clinging to.

So the reason why going home on Wednesday is so great is because my mom's surgery was scheduled for the next day, and because I got to go home Wednesday, I got to just be there for her - our whole family was able to just be there for her - when she went into the surgery, even if I just played Fire Emblem: Awakening for the like 6 hours. The surgery went well, and she's recovering now; we're getting a lot of food from other aunties, haha. God is good.

You Bless Me: Pt. 2

Point 2:Youth Retreat

Group picture woohoo~~!!

Wow. I didn't know I was going to go to this year's youth retreat until around three weeks ago, and I didn't even realize this really, and Dan ended up apologizing to me later, but I wasn't really trained on how to be a counselor.

The beginning of retreat was honestly really discouraging for me. I originally thought I was going to be leading with Enoch, and even though Enoch has had a good amount of experience leading and counseling, I felt like if I were to lead with Enoch, we'd kinda be on the same page, but when we got to the retreat grounds, I found out I was a counselor for the 7th/8th grade boys with Daniel Gilham, and actually, I was frightened, not because I'm scared of Dan, but because even growing up myself, he was the guy that people would have these super intense philosophical discussions with... and he would just get people to think critically and he would, more often than not, have very good answers to our questions. I was intimidated by how good of a teacher he is, and how I felt like I was kinda just being thrown into the fire without any guidance whatsoever.

And soon what had just been a fear became a reality.

I had heard that it was really, really, really difficult to get middle schoolers - especially middle school boys - to participate in a serious discussion for even like five minutes, but the first night Daniel led discussion... oh my goodness, these boys just got INTO it. I mean, the first 10 minutes were a little hectic, but afterward, they started asking questions like, "How do I know what God's will is?", "How do we hear God's voice?", etc. and I was like WHAT IS THIS?!?! I didn't really participate in the discussion, so I just kinda sat there and prayed - Holy Spirit, keep doing whatever you're doing, because these boys are just being BLESSED right now. And I shared that with Dan, and afterward he was like, "Oh yeah. Sorry - you get the next one."

And um, well that happened, and um... let's just say that there was a very, very lasting silence... and eventually Daniel rescued me, and lunch soon came around... mip.

I had planned to do 1-on-1's with Jason, William, and Jesse during lunch and after mandatory fun, but I was just so discouraged by the way I felt like I had fallen short during the discussion before lunch that I just didn't even try to find them during lunch. After mandatory fun, I tried to find the kids... but I went around the campground once, and couldn't find them at all. I looked around for another hour with no success, and that point, I just gave up. I went to the cabin and slept until dinner time.

The irony of this entire situation was that that very morning, the middle school speaker spoke about how God uses our shortcoming and our feelings of inadequacy to further His glory, but at that point, I couldn't see how God would use this supposed failure to change my heart.

Later, during worship, I don't know what it was, it might have been the giant hug Dan Mats gave me, maybe it was David's show of concern by asking to sing with me (although at the time, I told him I just wanted to be alone - I still really appreciated the gesture), maybe it was because "singing has been proven to lower levels of anxiety," or just the spirit moving through me, but God really opened my eyes there.

I came to see how self-centered and selfish I was being. I was just so concerned with how I would be able to speak truth into these kids' lives that I couldn't look past all the other amazing ways God was working at this past retreat. So I changed my perspective away from myself and towards the greater ways that God was working, and suddenly, it was so easy to feel at peace. Suddenly, it was okay that I was failing all over the place, and suddenly, it was so much easier to find the motivation to try again even after failing, because I was reminded that God's grace and love overflows beyond the brim of our cups. I began to see how I could be okay with letting “[my] heart [be] wrung and possibly broken.”

And so I tried again Sunday, and honestly, my 1-on-1’s weren’t the greatest. The discussion I led that night wasn’t the greatest, but somehow, I was able to be okay with that. I was there, because God provided a way for me to be there, and because he gave me a heart to serve these youth. So after all the sharings, and after hearing from Joyce, David, Emily, and everyone else how they saw God show up at this retreat, even amidst my failings, God showed me that He is good. And the 7^th/8^th grade boys still got a lot of “knowledge bombs” from Daniel Gilham, and that in of itself was a blessing.

If anything, this past retreat began to show me how to be okay with being vulnerable, to be okay with letting my heart be wrung, and to let God's love permeate over me. I still hecka suck at it, and I still get insecure, I can see how God is slowly doing a transformative work in me, and I'm excited to see where it goes.