One Voice

This semester I've been struggling through various things - residual disappointment and discouragement concerning spiritual community, conviction to truly surrender my life to Him, general fatigue and surprise with how hectic sophomore year has been, and more.

But Friday was just a great affirmation of God's goodness and faithfulness. Let me walk you through it (sorry it's just a tad lengthy... :P)

6:36 AM

*Wake up*
...

...
*Fall back asleep*

7:00 AM

.... Dang it, definitely just did not wake up when I was supposed to...
/... ...
*quickly shower*
*text Nathan and co. that I'll be out soon*

This semester, Nathan and I started a time of morning devotionals with the guys from our small group. For now, we're striving to meet once during the school week at 7 am for an hour before anyone may have 8 am classes or activities. Not everyone has been super consistent coming out, and some days we start late, but it has still been such a huge blessing over the past month and a half.

It's been a great time of fellowship, worship, prayer, time in the Word, and I love the willingness and desire everyone has had to, as Mika put it, grow "our vertical relationship with the Lord as central/strong[ly]... as the horizontal relationships that we have with each other." Although the past summer felt like such a dry season, it has been a blessing to see the ways that God recognizes and has been blessing these sincere and thirsty hearts.

8:00 AM

*bus to Barker for work-study lab assistant job*

Friday was probably the last day I'll be going into the lab until 2014, and simply having a really low-key job this semester has already been a blessing in of itself, but above that, I realized the ways that God has spoken to me through this newly acquired job.

Yeah, I do a lot of menial work like wash the dishes, take out the trash and recycling, restock the inventory, but I also get the opportunity to make agar plates and broth. I mean, obviously, it's not like research or anything, but it's still... kinda.... a little legit... ish. But anyway, because I make agar plates and broth, I have to autoclave (sterilize) the material for around an hour and half before I can actually begin pouring the plates or broth. Usually, during that time, I have a lot of spare time, and I get to just chill and wait for the autoclave to finish.

The past few weeks, I've gotten the chance to just journal and word barf to God, and it's been great. This past week, I didn't really have the chance to do that (but instead I got to catch up with Marissa, which was really good too! c:), but I was just reminded of a portion of a tumblr post I read recently:

Romans 8 says we don't even know what to pray for as we ought, so the Spirit intercedes for us! Take heart, friend.

If you struggle to pray, to keep quiet, and tame your thoughts before God, know you're not alone. And know that it pleases our father's heart whenever you "waste" time on Him.

Time is best spent when it's wasted on God

(source: http://prayzyethelord.tumblr.com/post/67337846836/waste-time-on-god)

As I went through work, Filled With Glory was just stuck in my head, and I kept muttering it under my breath, and although I don't feel like I really knew how to be intentionally praying, I felt such a peace that I was able to just "waste" my time with God - just staying in His presence, knowing He is sovereign.

1:00 PM onwards to 2:00 AM

But the excitement didn't stop there. Friday was our Crossroads/AACF joint large group, and oh my, there were just SO many praises for the day. From 1:30 - 4:20 pm, Nathan and I baked with Ramsey at Royston 308, and it was a really enjoyable time of fellowship. Even if we didn't get to like... retail our life stories or anything, just spending time with other fellow sisters was really nice.

Afterwards, we headed over to worship practice. Practice itself started a little off. Most of us were not particularly punctual, and the practice didn't go... particularly smoothly either, but praise God for unity, because somehow it all came together during the actual worship time. Harmonies melded together. Dynamics grew, diminished, and swelled together, and in that moment, the room was indeed filled with His glory. 

The night ensued with icebreaker games - both mental and physical, Solarium, a time of prayer, boba, sweets, mafia, and more, and it was great. One thing I have been keeping in mind with respect to growth within the context of both intra and interfellowship growth is simply keeping the Father as the head of the community - that we would not come to idolize community and each other over pursuing the almighty God. I truly believe that the success of the night was a clear indicator that we have all been earnestly seeking this to be true among our respective fellowships. You are Lord of all.

Father, we want to see You glorified. Would we glorify Your name, and would we glorify Your name as one voice, united as one body. Hallelujah, praise the one who brings us together by His blood.

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Jesus, Bring the Rain

Thursday, November 7
4:15 PM

Oh my goodness, oh my goodness, midterms in forty-five minutes..... oh my goodness four hours of back-to-back midterms in forty-five minutes AND I SITLL DON'T KNOW HOW TO DO PHYSICS..... WHY DON'T I KNOW HOW TO DO THESE PRACTICE PROBLEMS? WHY DON'T I UNDERSTAND THEM EVEN AFTER I LOOK AT THE SOLUTIONS?? ... Why did I feel so at peace up until now? Well, what can I do about it now...?

....

So I started to walk to my exams at 4:30 pm, and I started praying. I was so upset with myself that I was once again struck by anxiety and stress; my head felt like it was spinning.

Father, I pray for peace. I am about to go into back-to-back midterms again, and I just feel overwhelmed by the weight of it all. But why do I feel this way, Father? Why do I feel such pressure to do well on these exams. Truly, they don't really matter in the eternal perspective, but I mean.... they still matter.

But why do they matter to me? Is it ultimately to further your kingdom that I study? Is it to extend your glory that I study? Or is it for my own pride - that I may be good at what I do? Is it to fulfill unspoken, possibly nonexistent familial expectations to do well at an institution I am paying money to study at? Is it simply because of the expectation to do well? Is it for this world?

I don't know, Father, honestly. I'm too close to the testing to assess this, but Father, would you be opening my eyes to how you want me to utilize my time here at Cal. Would you be showing me how I may be studying for your glory, and would you bring me peace in the midst of the oncoming storm that is four treacherous hours of testing...

Amen. 

Then all of a sudden, lyrics popped into my head:

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory

And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You

Jesus, bring the rain.

....

Whether it was a self-fulfilled prophecy or not, I was able to find peace - if only momentarily - during those next four hours. Even though I didn't know how to do probably around a third of the Physics midterm, I can truly say I was still able to leave 155 Dwinelle, praising Him, for what in this life could mean any more than to worship the one true and almighty King? Jesus, bring the rain.
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Change My Heart

It's been a while since I last posted.

I was going to post a big, fat post on our retreat this past weekend (it was on shame - and it was pretty bomb c: !!), but something is stopping me from being able to synthesize all my ideas well. I've literally started three separate blog posts about either the past two weeks or this past weekend at retreat, like. wat. Each time I try to sit down and write about what God is trying to teach me, or each time I try to share with someone about what's been going on in my life, things just seem to somehow become even more unclear than they were before.

It's like I see all these big ideas - all these great things that God is trying to teach me - but I can't seem to piece it all together. It is so, so frustrating.

But I think I had a mini breakthrough last night during large group. We talked about showing no partiality as seen in James 2. I particularly felt convicted by James 2:12:

So speak and so act as those who are to be judged under the law of liberty.

I really loved the way James really captured the heart of his message in just that one statement. It vividly paints the picture of:
a) our inability to ever fully follow the law (v. 10-11), yet
b) the fact that we are still judged with mercy "under the law of liberty."

Ultimately, this grace God chooses to extend to us is incredibly humbling. Theoretically, it should change the way we perceive those around us; we should begin to see these people through God's eyes - seeing the ways in which they are broken and depraved, but equally seeing the love that God has for them. James asserts that that is how we "show no partiality as [we] hold the faith of our Lord Jesus Christ" (v. 1). We see people as God does, and God loves us all equally greatly so.

Seeing God move and speak through the Word last night was really, really great, but it was all head knowledge.

My heart wasn't still isn't truly convicted, and this is where my mini breakthrough came in. It suddenly hit me that I'm slowly beginning to just go through the motions. I am not being fully intentional and relentless in my pursuit of God. I'm slowly growing apathetic, and at that moment, during our response worship set, I just began praying and praying,

"Father... Father, would you change my heart. Would you convict my heart. Would these truths became pervading truths within my very soul. Would you be ever present in my life. Would you remind me that without you, nothing in this life holds value. Father, change my heart."

And at the point, we began singing Change My Heart Oh God, and it was just so fitting.
Indeed, this is my prayer.

God is so good, and he was moving during retreat and these past few weeks. Although I still can't fully synthesize it all, I pray I will wait upon the Lord - wait upon his voice for breakthrough. That I would be able to break out of this slump, and that I can find peace in His love for me.

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Change my heart, Oh God
Make it ever true
Change my heart, Oh God
May I be like you.

You are the potter,
I am the clay.
Mold me and make me,
This is what I pray.

Finding Joy in the Little Things

I've been ridiculously tired lately. This past weekend I slept past 3 am every night from Thursday to Saturday night. I hung out with a lot of people; I got to catch up with friends that aren't here or who I haven't seen in a long time; and I was studying for CS midterm all the while (which was yesterday 5-7 pm meep ;___;).

After a draining two hours of getting owned by CS, I wanted to just yolo and hang out with people, so I decided to go to Royston, where I was blessed by Tim and Linda who graciously fed me. I forgot there was Tuesday small groups too (planning on going to Thursdays!), but since I had the time, I just joined Eric and David in 'small group,' and that was really cool, because I feel like I don't get to talk to David or Eric very often, and it was cool to just be in this setting where we were all open to sharing with one another. Then I went home for our blog google hangout for Joyce's birthday, and even though I was just kinda laying in my bed and listening to them talk most of the time, it was so joyous to just be able to partake in fellowship with them and to be able to pray over Joyce on her birthday.

Then this morning, I got to exercise (lul P.E.) and then I made my own lunch (go me!), while being able to just openly worship my good God and bask in His presence in my apartment. Ahhhh, He is filling me with such joy! I mean, honestly, not a lot has really happened over the past 12 hours, and it was mostly just being with people, but I have been able to find such joy in this past half day.

Praise Him who fills us with such joy!

P.S. I'm getting sick, and I still have a lot of work coming up, so please be keeping me in your prayers!

Fill Me Up, Lord

"Emptied to be filled. Filled to be emptied."

I've heard this phrase many, many times before. It's in Hillsong's Desert Song. It was recently a facebook status of a friend, and I'm more than sure it's popped up elsewhere in my life too. This picture of how God's love never fails to fill us again and again has always inspired a sense of beauty and awe in me.

(Back story: I was trying to find if this phrase is specifically stated in Scripture, of which it is not, but apparently, the idea is supported by 2 Corinthians 3:18, 2 Timothy 2:21, and Psalm 23:5-6, and probs other places too.)

I'm finishing up The Reason For God, and in the last chapter, Tim Keller paints this really beautiful picture, depicting "the dance of God":

What does it mean, then, that the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit glorify one another?... The inner life of the triune God... is characterized not by self-centeredness but by mutually self-giving love. When we delight and serve someone else, we enter into a dynamic orbit around him or her, we center on the interests and desires of the other. 

That creates a dance, particularly if there are three persons, each of whom moves around the other two. So it is, the Bible tells us. Each of the divine persons centers upon the others. None demands that the other revolve around him. Each voluntarily circles the other two, pouring love, delight, and adoration into them. Each person of the trinity loves, adores, defers to, and rejoices in the others. That creates a dynamic, pulsating dance of joy and love... We believe the world was made by a God who is a community of persons who have loved each other for all eternity. You were made for mutually self-giving, other-directed love. 

                Self-centeredness destroys the fabric of what God has made.                                                pg. 223-227 

While the picture of being "emptied to be filled; filled to be emptied" has always been beautiful, I don't think I really understood the full impact and significance of the phrase until I read that passage in The Reason For God. You see, I never really understood the "filled to be emptied" half. Whenever I thought of that half of the phrase, a different picture always appeared in my head, and indeed it was very self-centered, and indeed it tainted "the fabric of what God has made."

I always saw and understood how God's love overflows into our lives, but I also always saw being emptied as something similar to being drained - ugh, I can only love people around me, because of this strength that God has provided me with, but I'm drained now; Father, fill me up again. Within my mindset, it didn't make sense - I'm... not filled with God's love so that I feel drained and exhausted, right...? Why am I filled to be emptied?

And ultimately, that's focused on me, my self. It's focused on how I can love other people - ah irony at its finest. And while it's something fairly obvious, it suddenly clicked that God gives his love to me whenever I am emptied, but I am emptied, because I am able to freely give this love away to others. So as I am emptied, I can be filled again by the Father, whose source of love is never quenched, and so the cycle continues. And it really is a beautiful picture, and the coolest part is that it's a beautiful picture that I have the opportunity to partake in.

But a part of me still feels the impact of my current struggle. On one hand, I see this image, and I rediscover the conviction to love for love's sake. To love because it is what God has called me to do. To love because He loved me first. But I equally vie for the full picture, where we, in community, are each orbiting around one another. Keller gives another example:

Imagine there is someone you admire more than anyone else in the world. You would do anything for him or her. Now imagine you discover that this person feels exactly the same about you, and you enter into either a lifetime friendship or a romantic relationship and marriage. Sound like heaven? Yes, because it comes from heaven - that is what God has known within himself but in depths and degrees that are infinite and unimaginable.          

pg. 227

And that part of me can't let go of the possible sadness, bitterness, and disappointment that comes with 'self-giving' love. I mean, I want the whole shebang. I want the mutual agreement to orbit around one another, and while I am reminded that I will always have that with the Trinity, for some reason, within this very moment, that isn't reassurance enough.

I understand that I should, as Keller describes, find joy in simply loving those around me. I equally understand that I should find only greater joy in discovering that that "person feels exactly the same about [me]" and not some twisted feeling of compensation paid or fulfillment of needs, because that's ultimately the Father's job, and it's already been done. But for some reason, I'm still wrestling to accept this truth in my heart.

Eunice recently ordered a book for me called The Inner Voice of Love (if you're reading this - thank you, again!! h0l1a @ u mang). It's a collection of short journal entries from Henri Nouwen, a well-known writer about the spiritual life, on understanding the full impact of God's love in the midst of the stormiest gales of our lives. The entry I read last night read:

Do not tell everyone your story. You will only end up feeling more rejected. People cannot give you what you long for in your heart. The more you expect from people's response to your experience of abandonment, the more you will feel exposed to ridicule.

You have to close yourself to the outside world so you can enter your own heart and the heart of God through your pain. God will send to you the people with whom you can share your anguish, who can lead you closer to the true source of love.

It was a little uncanny as to how relevant and applicable this particular entry was to my current situation, but hey, our God is pretty great. I'm still not sure where I'm going with this or where I'll end up, but I do know that my God is faithful. All I can do is trust that He will fulfill His promises and trust in what He has called me to do in this life.

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Fill me up, Lord
Fill me up, Lord
Fill me up...
___

Love of God
Overflow
Permeate
Oh my soul

fall twentythirteen

As I began my morning devotionals today, I began voicing my fears to God - my fears for this upcoming week (first full week of classes ahh), my fears for the upcoming semester. I asked him:

Father, by the end of this semester, what will my life look like? What will I be heavily involved and invested in? Who will be the most important people in my life? Who will I come to know and trust? Who will I come to know and trust even better than I do now? Who will hurt me? And ultimately, how will I have learned to love and forgive people better?

And I took a step back, because the first words of my prayer were, "... I'm not sure what I'm thinking. My mind is kinda drawing to a blank this morning." But I looked at this flow of questions, and I feel like they're really good questions for constant reflection throughout this semester.

But above all, this morning, I remember and re-acknowledge my desire to finally be home with the Father. All I can do with this life is to seek the ways to grasp just a touch of His Presence.

Fall 2013, you ain't got nothing on a God who loves and relentlessly pursues me.

Work

Hellllloooooo last day of work, woot woot!!
(Yes, this means I'm writing this during work - or at least starting it at work)
(EDIT: Yeah, only got like 3 paragraphs written during work, lol...)

Wow, um... I have been working here for the past three months and two weeks, and... to say the least... it sucked. As the summer continued on, I began to dread more and more those nine hours I would have to spend each day in that tiny mailroom office, and I began to cherish more and more ANY time I got to go home, haha.

There were a lot of issues I had with this job.

I didn't like the way that people would gossip or talk trash about each other and other people behind their backs (and this was only worsened by the fact that we lived on one floor together - the line between work and personal life was seriously, seriously blurred). It bothered me that all three of my "bosses" (senior clerks versus our lowly conference clerk status) are self-acclaimed Christians, fairly involved in their respective churches (present or past), yet they were anything but the picture of grace and love that our Saviour upholds (and it made matters even worse because one actually goes to my church). And I couldn't handle just how confrontational people were, as I kinda had a small culture shock coming into this job (the vast majority of my coworkers - 10/13 - were either black or pretty immersed in the black community). Overall, the job was somehow stressful when it really shouldn't have.

But this job... it was such a great prayer that God had answered...

(See here to kinda understand where I was coming from in terms of job searching and whatnot if you don't already know from one source or another.)

When I first got the job, I was overjoyed! You know, I was thinking, "Wow, I serve such a good God, who provides for and watches over me!" But after a few short weeks, I was beginning to wonder why God had placed me here in this place. At first, I really thought it was God calling me to place myself in this workplace both as a financial source and a mission field, but as the summer continued on, I could just not see myself continuing through with this place for another four months. And after consulting multiple people, we all agreed that it was best for - and healthiest for - me to quit this job.

So how do I see God's hand over the duration of this job? Although the majority of my time here was unpleasant, boring, or stressful, there were various instances throughout the past 15 weeks that were very praiseworthy.

To begin with, just working this job was still very eye-opening. I was still very much so immersed into the world because of this job. I saw facets and aspects of people that I really had never seen before, because I've always hung around Christians or people with fairly Christian-like values, and in that way, God definitely opened my eyes to the depravity and brokenness of this world (particularly through the ways conflict arose and was 'resolved' in this workplace).

But above that, I got to have at least one good conversation with almost all my coworkers about religion and what they believed. By the end of summer, I found out that 11/13 of my coworkers either believed in the omnipotent God or practiced Christianity to some extent. And I think that - or at least hope that - in one way or another, I was able to be a light to them, whether it was in those specific conversations or through listening to Jesus Culture on Pandora whenever I was on the computer (although honestly, I personally kinda just needed that while I was in the office, haha....) or just the way that I carried myself in the office (I hope I did you proud, Jesus!).

For one specific coworker, I told her about how I wasn't coming back to this job for the academic school year. When she asked me why I had decided to leave, I told her how for me, part of it was just trusting that my God is a good God that will provide for me. Two days later, I found out that she wasn't coming back for the school year either, and when I asked her what made her decide not to come back anymore, she said that "that thing [I] said about faith" helped her come to terms with her decision to leave the job as well. (It was actually at that point that I found out that she was Christian!) It was so encouraging to know that just the way I spoke in conversation and was willing to be bold about sharing my reasoning for things (even if it involved God) could impact those around me. And that one comment from her actually got us into a really good conversation about God, the role we believe the church should have in our relationship with God, etc., and I even got to share with her my testimony of how God has been faithful to me as I personally struggled with the idea of community this summer.

If you want to hear about the specific conversations I was able to have with my coworkers, feel free to ask me how they went. I'd be more than happy to share, but... I don't think I should type them ALL out here, haha.

But yeah, as I look back and assess the past 15 weeks of work, I think it was really cool to just see how God was really with me. He truly was my guide as I struggled to see why He wanted me to be here at this particular job this summer. Praise Him for continually revealing the convictions for His heart and for truly never failing to love us - for discipling and pruning us so that we may lean not on our understanding as He sets our paths straight.

Reflections

This is going to be a composition of random thoughts as the school year is rapidly approaching - there will be a couple posts giving culminating summer reflections later (at least that's the hope).

I'm probably going to be deactivating my facebook soon - for various reasons. But before I was going to deactivate it, I wanted to go through pictures and save the ones that I really liked, because y'know, I'm not going to be able to access them whenever I want.

And as I went through the pictures from this past summer, I kinda took a step back and assessed where I am now - spending lots of time alone, pining for home pretty often - and where I was in the beginning of the summer - really, really excited to spend the summer at Berkeley - and I'm wondering to myself, how did I get to where I am?

I mean, obviously, I know - just looking at this blog already kinda gives a glimpse of a picture of what happened this summer. And it was a very gradual change, but at the same time, with school about to start, I suddenly have no idea how to process it all and take solid steps into the school year. I'm scared, and I'm unsure of how to handle it all.

I'm sitting at my dining table, kinda practicing for boot camp, and I'm so excited for FCS and the school year and everything to start again, yet... I have this feeling inside of me that... I'm not ready yet.

But I guess that's the beauty of it all. So long I remember that I have a God who loves me, watches over me, and desires for me to grow closer to Him, how can I fail? The victory is already mine.

Thoughts

It's okay to be content with God,
but never be content with where you are with God - you can always go deeper.

Ah how fickle our human hearts are; mold them to be more and more aligned with Yours, Father.

Making Decisions

My good friend Catherine wrote this poem, and I think it really conveys the feelings of confusion to frustration to hope as we fumble around on our walk with God, until we once again realize that our lives are in His hands.

"i'm not sure
the reliability of signs and symbols 

beyond signals and smoke,
i hope,
believe in his existence
presence and vitality

i hold to
faith.
something surer
than my stumbling, rambling reason 

there is truth
and that is: 

i cannot fall, cannot shrink, cannot regret
when i walk
side by side
with the giver of grace,
who is larger than life."

Unexpected Blessings

Har har, before I begin, as a disclaimer, I'd like to apologize, because I feel like whenever I blog, I only actually have a few lines of substance/talking about the actual point of the post, while the rest of the post is just explaining the situation haha. Good job sticking here with me, and reading my poor excuse of what I like to call my coherent thoughts. 0:) Um.... yeeeah, yay disclaimers.
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My family irritates me to no end sometimes. Don't get me wrong, I love them, and I appreciate them so much for what they've done to shape me into the person that I am today. But seriously, being an ABC means that communication can just be so frustrating at times. You could be talking, and for all you know, you guys are actually talking about completely different things.

Today, I had a couple family friends from SoCal (one who is two years older than me - Kelvin - and one who is five years younger than me - Stephanie), along with their cousin from Xiamen (six years younger than me - Tony a.k.a. "Cong Cong") and my little sister, come up to visit me at Berkeley. We ate Toss for lunch (it was aight - the portions were kinda small for the price, and the food itself was a little too salty/oily for my taste), and then I gave them the grand tour of Berkeley. And by grand tour, I mean, I took them to see Echo Wall, the dinosaur models in VLSB, and the various architectural... toys of our campus (the new silver rings near Gianini, the four red slide-y things near GPB). It was great. Then we grabbed C.R.E.A.M. and Kelvin then went to Foster City to visit another friend.

So we went back to my apartment where the kiddos just played cards until the parents came, and it was time for us to go to dinner - and that's when things started to go downhill.

I've been thinking - the true state of our hearts are tested when we're put in situations that are hard for us. The way we respond shows so much about what we truly believe, and I couldn't help but have feelings of frustration in respect to communication, irritation from the noise level, and impatience when it came to dealing with my parents.

So when we finally got to Sliver, sat down, and received our pizzas, I just started praying hard for this meal. It was such a great opportunity to spend quality time with my family and see these family friends who I haven't seen for over 2.5 years, and all I could do was get irritated so, so quickly. The little guy from China (Tony) was sitting next to me, and after I finished praying, he innocently asked me, "What were you doing?" in Chinese. And I told him I was praying (in Chinese - well I told him in Chinese, I didn't actually pray in Chinese, lol as if I could do that). And he asked, "Why?".

And at that point, I began to see how even in my weakness and inability to mimic Christ's character, that our God is truly our redeemer. I explained to him that I prayed for the food, because I was thankful for my God who has provided this meal for me. And I was filled with such joy because I got to share just a small piece of my faith with this lil guy (I mean, he's from China; they don't hear much about the gospel...).

Interestingly enough, his family is considering moving to America. Earlier today, I asked him how he felt about moving here, and he said he wasn't really sure. Then during dinner, I asked him whether he liked where I'm from (NorCal/Bay Area/Berkeley) or where my family friends are from (SoCal/LA), and where he'd like to live if he were to move to the States. He said NorCal (LOL #winning), and so I asked him why. He said it looked like there's more stuff going on here, and I kinda chuckled to myself, because y'know, L.A. being the hub of today's entertainment world. Yet after being here for a day and in SoCal for the past three weeks, that was still his explanation for why he'd want to live in NorCal, and I just felt this conviction that God wants me to either a) be intentionally be praying for this innocent, open soul to receiving Christ, or b) be on the lookout for this guy's move to America so I can physically reach out to him when he's here - whenever that may be.

He's going to my home church tomorrow before my family friends head back down to L.A., and I just pray that he'll be receptive to hearing God's voice. It was such a blessing to have been able to share with Tony even such a small aspect of my faith, and I really hope this isn't the last I see of him.

You Bless Me: Pt. 1

I went home for the past week, and as I posted previously, I've been really, really homesick, and by God's grace, it was such a blessing to be home this past week. To all you readers out there, let me walk you through the past week, because seriously, God's love and grace was just ALL over the past week.

Edit: Going back and looking at this post, it's a mega-post, so I'm going to be splitting this week into two separate posts.

Point 1: Mom

Originally, my vacation from work was supposed to start on Thursday, but because other peoples' vacations fell through, I got to go home on Wednesday night, and this was actually really great.

For those of you who I have not told (per my mother's consent I am allowed to disclose this information), about three weeks ago, I got an e-mail from my mom saying that she had been diagnosed with breast cancer, and... I kinda freaked out at first, but she later told me that it was super stage 0 (the tumor was only a couple millimeters wide) and that they had caught it super early on during her annual mammogram. And there were already several ways that we as a family had been able to see how this diagnosis was a blessing in disguise - or that God seriously redeems the problems that sin has brought into our world. Because of this diagnosis, I got to go home that weekend three weeks ago to be there for my mom's consultation. Because of this diagnosis, we as a family got the opportunity to really show support to each other; honestly, we do not connect very well, and we don't spend much time together. Because of this diagnosis, my sister is forced to grow up, in character and in love. Because of this diagnosis, we are reminded that we are not in control, and that everything in our lives are in His hands, and we should live as if that truth were the only thing we were clinging to.

So the reason why going home on Wednesday is so great is because my mom's surgery was scheduled for the next day, and because I got to go home Wednesday, I got to just be there for her - our whole family was able to just be there for her - when she went into the surgery, even if I just played Fire Emblem: Awakening for the like 6 hours. The surgery went well, and she's recovering now; we're getting a lot of food from other aunties, haha. God is good.

You Bless Me: Pt. 2

Point 2:Youth Retreat

Group picture woohoo~~!!

Wow. I didn't know I was going to go to this year's youth retreat until around three weeks ago, and I didn't even realize this really, and Dan ended up apologizing to me later, but I wasn't really trained on how to be a counselor.

The beginning of retreat was honestly really discouraging for me. I originally thought I was going to be leading with Enoch, and even though Enoch has had a good amount of experience leading and counseling, I felt like if I were to lead with Enoch, we'd kinda be on the same page, but when we got to the retreat grounds, I found out I was a counselor for the 7th/8th grade boys with Daniel Gilham, and actually, I was frightened, not because I'm scared of Dan, but because even growing up myself, he was the guy that people would have these super intense philosophical discussions with... and he would just get people to think critically and he would, more often than not, have very good answers to our questions. I was intimidated by how good of a teacher he is, and how I felt like I was kinda just being thrown into the fire without any guidance whatsoever.

And soon what had just been a fear became a reality.

I had heard that it was really, really, really difficult to get middle schoolers - especially middle school boys - to participate in a serious discussion for even like five minutes, but the first night Daniel led discussion... oh my goodness, these boys just got INTO it. I mean, the first 10 minutes were a little hectic, but afterward, they started asking questions like, "How do I know what God's will is?", "How do we hear God's voice?", etc. and I was like WHAT IS THIS?!?! I didn't really participate in the discussion, so I just kinda sat there and prayed - Holy Spirit, keep doing whatever you're doing, because these boys are just being BLESSED right now. And I shared that with Dan, and afterward he was like, "Oh yeah. Sorry - you get the next one."

And um, well that happened, and um... let's just say that there was a very, very lasting silence... and eventually Daniel rescued me, and lunch soon came around... mip.

I had planned to do 1-on-1's with Jason, William, and Jesse during lunch and after mandatory fun, but I was just so discouraged by the way I felt like I had fallen short during the discussion before lunch that I just didn't even try to find them during lunch. After mandatory fun, I tried to find the kids... but I went around the campground once, and couldn't find them at all. I looked around for another hour with no success, and that point, I just gave up. I went to the cabin and slept until dinner time.

The irony of this entire situation was that that very morning, the middle school speaker spoke about how God uses our shortcoming and our feelings of inadequacy to further His glory, but at that point, I couldn't see how God would use this supposed failure to change my heart.

Later, during worship, I don't know what it was, it might have been the giant hug Dan Mats gave me, maybe it was David's show of concern by asking to sing with me (although at the time, I told him I just wanted to be alone - I still really appreciated the gesture), maybe it was because "singing has been proven to lower levels of anxiety," or just the spirit moving through me, but God really opened my eyes there.

I came to see how self-centered and selfish I was being. I was just so concerned with how I would be able to speak truth into these kids' lives that I couldn't look past all the other amazing ways God was working at this past retreat. So I changed my perspective away from myself and towards the greater ways that God was working, and suddenly, it was so easy to feel at peace. Suddenly, it was okay that I was failing all over the place, and suddenly, it was so much easier to find the motivation to try again even after failing, because I was reminded that God's grace and love overflows beyond the brim of our cups. I began to see how I could be okay with letting “[my] heart [be] wrung and possibly broken.”

And so I tried again Sunday, and honestly, my 1-on-1’s weren’t the greatest. The discussion I led that night wasn’t the greatest, but somehow, I was able to be okay with that. I was there, because God provided a way for me to be there, and because he gave me a heart to serve these youth. So after all the sharings, and after hearing from Joyce, David, Emily, and everyone else how they saw God show up at this retreat, even amidst my failings, God showed me that He is good. And the 7^th/8^th grade boys still got a lot of “knowledge bombs” from Daniel Gilham, and that in of itself was a blessing.

If anything, this past retreat began to show me how to be okay with being vulnerable, to be okay with letting my heart be wrung, and to let God's love permeate over me. I still hecka suck at it, and I still get insecure, I can see how God is slowly doing a transformative work in me, and I'm excited to see where it goes.

Disappointment

"Sorry Jason..."

...
I don't know just how many times I've heard this over the past summer.

I'm constantly reminded of how Satan can only work within the boundaries that God allows, yet I can't help but feel the toll that these mishap plans are taking on my emotional well-being.

God, remind me continually of your goodness. Remind me of your love. Remind me that the shackles have already been taken off, so there is no need to continue to live as if imprisoned by these doubts and insecurities of your goodness.

Let me bask in the freedom your salvation has provided. People are never going to stop disappointing me, and I'm probably never going to stop disappointing those around me, but Father, teach me the truth in learning how to forgive as you forgave us (Colossians 3:13), and loving those as you love me (1 John 4:19) .

Let this truth permeate throughout my life.

Is it...

wrong to feel lonely when you feel like there isn't anyone to be there for you?

Is it sinful of me to not "put God first"? Is it wrong for me to just start blindly flailing, trying to find a source of comfort when I feel as if there isn't anyone to be there for me? I should be putting God first, right? His comfort, love, joy, and peace should be enough, right?

But He made us to be in community with one another. Adam was in God's presence constantly, but God still saw it fit to make him a helper.

Where's the balance between the two? I don't even know anymore.

Homesick

I miss being able to sit around at home all day and play Fire Emblem if I want to. I miss taking spontaneous trips to In-n-Out if I want to. I miss spending time with friends and going swimming and playing dumb games if we want to. I miss awkward random Asian family gatherings where you meet a bunch of kids, awkwardly not talk for the first hour, but end up being able to enjoy each others' company and playing together fine. I miss just sitting and enjoying the presence of friends and family (and home-made mochi :3).

I miss rest.

After touring with FCS, I began to have this constant feeling of exhaustion no matter how much I slept that I, at first, attributed to not sleeping well the weekend of tour. But as the days turned to weeks, I began to think that... it probably wasn't just that weekend that has caused this onset of fatigue. I had first shared this with Christine roughly a week after tour had ended, and she just asked me, "Have you been truly resting?" to which I don't think I really knew the answer to. And I don't think I truly knew the answer to that question until this past weekend. Even though the reason why I went home wasn't particularly joyous (you can ask me in person why I went home if you're really curious on how to be praying for me), those short, sweet four days spent at home really revealed to me the lack of rest I'm finding here at Berkeley. It was just so good, and I could just sit there and relish in God's goodness. I mean, I can and do definitely do that here in Berkeley too, because our God is a good God who remains constant and whose goodness is infinite and unceasing, but it doesn't stop me from feeling pangs of sadness, loneliness, or apathy, and all I can say is that I'm really homesick.

As I'm running around this track, trying to jump over hurdle after hurdle, and as I continue to just circle around and around this track, I'm just thinking, what is this all for? What am I trying accomplish with this time that I've been blessed with this summer here in Berkeley and how do I go about pursuing that?

I know the answer, but the how, I'm not so sure about anymore. I'm in a slump, and I don't know how to get out. Fall semester starts in one month and a half, and I feel like I'm just clinging onto this slippery slope, continuing to slip, just waiting to hit rock bottom, so there's absolutely nowhere else to turn to, but towards Him.

Father, this past weekend was a glimpse of the rest I can feel when I find peace and true reliance on You. Help me to do this, because I cannot on my own. I say I'm homesick for my earthly home, but this just reveals more so my homesickness to be with You. Let me seek You to the best of my ability with my time here on Earth.

Thoughts

It's been ridiculously good being home, and I can only imagine the joy and peace we'll be able to enjoy and experience once we're really home in heaven with God. Let's work hard to give as many people as possible to have that same hope!

Being vulnerable...

is hard.

When I consider who I'm becoming comfortable enough to be vulnerable with, to an extent, I already make the assumption that I don't trust they'll know me well enough to respond in a manner fitting to me and my situation, and that's my bad on my part, because it stops me from sharing my struggles with them. I need to take that risk and be okay with the possibility that not 100% of the people I'll ever confide in with will be trustworthy, because if I never give them a chance, how will they ever be able to show that they are trustworthy?

As C.S. Lewis puts it (and I've definitely read this in multiple contexts recently):

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.” 

I consider myself a fairly open and genuine person, yet without knowing it, my subconscious definitely places a facade out there. I suppose when people say they think I'm happy go lucky, they're not too far from the truth. I'm not that open with letting "[my] heart [be] wrung and possibly broken." 

I want to be safe. I want to know that you are a person I can trust. But what does that ultimately say about me? Do I truly believe that my God is a good God that provides? That He is a good God that was, is, and always will be faithful in loving me? And that that alone is enough? How does this mentality reflect my own heart? Being safe isn't what God has called me or any of us to do. We're called to love, and as C.S. Lewis has keenly pointed out, loving those around us is not safe or secure or comfortable in any way. Rather, I'm starting to believe more so that I'm not striving to love others, but that I'm striving to love others... so long as they love me back.

...Wow.

It's weird. Now that I think about it, Sarah definitely told me that exact thing like a month ago, yet it didn't sink in how selfish I've been/I'm being until just now. 

Oh God how I need You. How often I forget it's not, "We love so others can love us back," but rather, "We love because He first loved us." Father, change and transform my broken, sinful, and flawed nature. Constantly remind me of your love. Father, let me continually remember that that is enough. Being vulnerable is hard, but You already did the hardest part. You've provided the ultimate sacrifice. Why can't I even begin to make a small sacrifice? 

Father, I pray that as You continue to reveal the depravity of my human state, that you would continually show me that it is only through true reliance on You that I may change.

Convicted

It's funny. I feel like growing up in the church, I didn't always hear too much about the Holy Spirit, but the first thing I have to teach kids about in this Sunday School is, dun dun dun,  you guessed it, the Holy Spirit, which is awesome, because that means that I get to learn about the Holy Spirit too!

But anyhow, I read John 14:26 while preparing for Sunday School last night. It says:

"But the Counselor, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you."

And the Teacher's Guide points out that "it's important to understand that the Holy Spirit reminds us of words that Jesus has spoken. we read them in the Bible. If we haven't learned Jesus' words in the first place, we can't be 'reminded' of them, can we? Then, as we read God's Word, the Holy Spirit will help us use the truth in the Bible to make wise decisions. And the Spirit will also give us the strength to do what we know is right" because He is our Comforter, our Guide, and our Teacher.

And after reading that, I was like OOF, that's a good Word. Go you, Sunday School Teacher's Guide, go you.

But It's Hard

I'm not gonna lie, this summer has been really, really hard.

A few weeks back, I shared on my home church's blog:

"I feel like I haven’t always gotten what I’ve been giving in relationships here, or people are just gone, and I physically can’t be in community with them, and I’m sitting here on my butt, wishing that my desire to pursue and be pursued by God was stronger than my dismay over a feeling (emphasis on the word feeling) of a lack in community, but I can’t."

and that's the core of why I feel like I've been struggling so much this summer. I feel like I've been lacking in community. Yet God has a funny way of putting things into perspective. After reflecting on the past semester, I felt like I was a little too happy - things were really good even in the midst of my struggle in switching spiritual communities; and so I asked God to give me struggles this summer, so that He may grow me. Concerning how exactly I wanted to grow, I wanted two things going into this summer:
1) to grow and learn what it truly means to rely on God alone (primarily by spending time in the Word) - to understand not only with my head, but with my heart that He alone sustains, and
2) to serve in CFCC and to increase and invest in the Crossroads community and my other relationships.

Yet goal #2 was never meant to impede on goal #1, but that's definitely what is happening right now. I just feel such a giant lack in community and I feel like I don't really have any people as strong pillars to rely on, that I find myself at a point where I have no motivation to actively and truly pursue God... ah... #extrovertproblems... I keep telling God - once things get better, then I'll be able to refocus on You, yet through so many instances, God keeps telling me otherwise. He keeps telling me that it's once I look to pursue Him first that then I will be able to find joy in pursuing community even as progress seems slow or stagnant. And the irony of it all is that Crossroads is doing a study on Biblical community right now. God keeps bringing it to my attention that as I'm asking Him for help, He is giving me answers, and He is providing a way out, but I keep telling Him, "No, God, it's too hard. The feelings of discouragement and whatnot are too strong to overcome." and yet He keeps telling me, "No, my son, you can - you are able to do this. I have already provided. Trust me, and take the leap of faith."

I've been thinking about this a lot recently, and I have already understood that God has been telling me this for a while now, and I just keep rebelling against Him and running away, so why finally muster the will to make this blog and post about this now?

Tomorrow is the first day I'm teaching Sunday School ever (another answered prayer/opportunity God has given me for goal #2), and I started preparing for it about three hours ago (I know, I know - I'm cutting it a tad close, but hey, I didn't get the materials until yesterday. ... I know, I know, excuses excuses WHATEVER, I'll do better next week). And there is this section of the Teacher's Guide called "Preparing Your Heart To Teach," and for this week's lesson, it read, "... the fruit of our teaching ministry comes from allowing Christ to work in us and through us. It is then that our preparation and experience bear fruit. Be sure your preparation includes the nurturing of your own spiritual life by spending time in prayer and reading Scripture for your own growth." And that's what I've been unable to motivate myself to do. I haven't been able to just sit down, and listen to the words God has already provided for us.

As I continued to prepare for tomorrow's lesson, I got to spend time in the Word, and it was just so good being able to hear Jesus and God talk again in their most direct form - His God-breathed Scripture sent to us. It was strangely familiar and close to home - in a nostalgic way - and I'm sitting here, kinda chuckling to myself how it took a Sunday School teaching manual to get me to realize in my heart, that before I can genuinely and truly achieve goal #2, I have to pursue achieving goal #1. Oh the many ways these children will be able to help me on my own walk... it'll be fun! :)

God never promised our respective journeys would be easy, but He does promise that He'll be with us each step of the way, and that He will provide a way. At each point of struggle on my walk this summer, God has continued to reveal how He supports my goals, how He is lighting the path at my feet, and how He should be filling me with an undeniable and unceasing sense of joy because of His saving grace.

I mean, but it's hard.

But is that going to continue to stop me like it has for the past month? I only pray it won't. :)

Welcome!

So I've been meaning to make a real blog of my own, and I've finally gotten around to just doing it! I mean, yeah, I've already been trying to turn my tumblr into more of a thoughts/reflection blog, but... not gonna lie, it's hard to when there are always so many funny and cute and delicious things all over the place, so I suppose that's what this is for. I only hope that as I share and muse on the struggles and realizations I'm experiencing that you may be encouraged on your journey as well! c: