Change My Heart

It's been a while since I last posted.

I was going to post a big, fat post on our retreat this past weekend (it was on shame - and it was pretty bomb c: !!), but something is stopping me from being able to synthesize all my ideas well. I've literally started three separate blog posts about either the past two weeks or this past weekend at retreat, like. wat. Each time I try to sit down and write about what God is trying to teach me, or each time I try to share with someone about what's been going on in my life, things just seem to somehow become even more unclear than they were before.

It's like I see all these big ideas - all these great things that God is trying to teach me - but I can't seem to piece it all together. It is so, so frustrating.

But I think I had a mini breakthrough last night during large group. We talked about showing no partiality as seen in James 2. I particularly felt convicted by James 2:12:

So speak and so act as those who are to be judged under the law of liberty.

I really loved the way James really captured the heart of his message in just that one statement. It vividly paints the picture of:
a) our inability to ever fully follow the law (v. 10-11), yet
b) the fact that we are still judged with mercy "under the law of liberty."

Ultimately, this grace God chooses to extend to us is incredibly humbling. Theoretically, it should change the way we perceive those around us; we should begin to see these people through God's eyes - seeing the ways in which they are broken and depraved, but equally seeing the love that God has for them. James asserts that that is how we "show no partiality as [we] hold the faith of our Lord Jesus Christ" (v. 1). We see people as God does, and God loves us all equally greatly so.

Seeing God move and speak through the Word last night was really, really great, but it was all head knowledge.

My heart wasn't still isn't truly convicted, and this is where my mini breakthrough came in. It suddenly hit me that I'm slowly beginning to just go through the motions. I am not being fully intentional and relentless in my pursuit of God. I'm slowly growing apathetic, and at that moment, during our response worship set, I just began praying and praying,

"Father... Father, would you change my heart. Would you convict my heart. Would these truths became pervading truths within my very soul. Would you be ever present in my life. Would you remind me that without you, nothing in this life holds value. Father, change my heart."

And at the point, we began singing Change My Heart Oh God, and it was just so fitting.
Indeed, this is my prayer.

God is so good, and he was moving during retreat and these past few weeks. Although I still can't fully synthesize it all, I pray I will wait upon the Lord - wait upon his voice for breakthrough. That I would be able to break out of this slump, and that I can find peace in His love for me.

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Change my heart, Oh God
Make it ever true
Change my heart, Oh God
May I be like you.

You are the potter,
I am the clay.
Mold me and make me,
This is what I pray.