"Sorry Jason..."
...
I don't know just how many times I've heard this over the past summer.
I'm constantly reminded of how Satan can only work within the boundaries that God allows, yet I can't help but feel the toll that these mishap plans are taking on my emotional well-being.
God, remind me continually of your goodness. Remind me of your love. Remind me that the shackles have already been taken off, so there is no need to continue to live as if imprisoned by these doubts and insecurities of your goodness.
Let me bask in the freedom your salvation has provided. People are never going to stop disappointing me, and I'm probably never going to stop disappointing those around me, but Father, teach me the truth in learning how to forgive as you forgave us (Colossians 3:13), and loving those as you love me (1 John 4:19) .
Let this truth permeate throughout my life.
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
Thursday, July 25, 2013
Is it...
wrong to feel lonely when you feel like there isn't anyone to be there for you?
Is it sinful of me to not "put God first"? Is it wrong for me to just start blindly flailing, trying to find a source of comfort when I feel as if there isn't anyone to be there for me? I should be putting God first, right? His comfort, love, joy, and peace should be enough, right?
But He made us to be in community with one another. Adam was in God's presence constantly, but God still saw it fit to make him a helper.
Where's the balance between the two? I don't even know anymore.
Is it sinful of me to not "put God first"? Is it wrong for me to just start blindly flailing, trying to find a source of comfort when I feel as if there isn't anyone to be there for me? I should be putting God first, right? His comfort, love, joy, and peace should be enough, right?
But He made us to be in community with one another. Adam was in God's presence constantly, but God still saw it fit to make him a helper.
Where's the balance between the two? I don't even know anymore.
Monday, July 15, 2013
Homesick
I miss being able to sit around at home all day and play Fire Emblem if I want to. I miss taking spontaneous trips to In-n-Out if I want to. I miss spending time with friends and going swimming and playing dumb games if we want to. I miss awkward random Asian family gatherings where you meet a bunch of kids, awkwardly not talk for the first hour, but end up being able to enjoy each others' company and playing together fine. I miss just sitting and enjoying the presence of friends and family (and home-made mochi :3).
I miss rest.
After touring with FCS, I began to have this constant feeling of exhaustion no matter how much I slept that I, at first, attributed to not sleeping well the weekend of tour. But as the days turned to weeks, I began to think that... it probably wasn't just that weekend that has caused this onset of fatigue. I had first shared this with Christine roughly a week after tour had ended, and she just asked me, "Have you been truly resting?" to which I don't think I really knew the answer to. And I don't think I truly knew the answer to that question until this past weekend. Even though the reason why I went home wasn't particularly joyous (you can ask me in person why I went home if you're really curious on how to be praying for me), those short, sweet four days spent at home really revealed to me the lack of rest I'm finding here at Berkeley. It was just so good, and I could just sit there and relish in God's goodness. I mean, I can and do definitely do that here in Berkeley too, because our God is a good God who remains constant and whose goodness is infinite and unceasing, but it doesn't stop me from feeling pangs of sadness, loneliness, or apathy, and all I can say is that I'm really homesick.
As I'm running around this track, trying to jump over hurdle after hurdle, and as I continue to just circle around and around this track, I'm just thinking, what is this all for? What am I trying accomplish with this time that I've been blessed with this summer here in Berkeley and how do I go about pursuing that?
I know the answer, but the how, I'm not so sure about anymore. I'm in a slump, and I don't know how to get out. Fall semester starts in one month and a half, and I feel like I'm just clinging onto this slippery slope, continuing to slip, just waiting to hit rock bottom, so there's absolutely nowhere else to turn to, but towards Him.
Father, this past weekend was a glimpse of the rest I can feel when I find peace and true reliance on You. Help me to do this, because I cannot on my own. I say I'm homesick for my earthly home, but this just reveals more so my homesickness to be with You. Let me seek You to the best of my ability with my time here on Earth.
Saturday, July 13, 2013
Thoughts
It's been ridiculously good being home, and I can only imagine the joy and peace we'll be able to enjoy and experience once we're really home in heaven with God. Let's work hard to give as many people as possible to have that same hope!
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
Being vulnerable...
is hard.
When I consider who I'm becoming comfortable enough to be vulnerable with, to an extent, I already make the assumption that I don't trust they'll know me well enough to respond in a manner fitting to me and my situation, and that's my bad on my part, because it stops me from sharing my struggles with them. I need to take that risk and be okay with the possibility that not 100% of the people I'll ever confide in with will be trustworthy, because if I never give them a chance, how will they ever be able to show that they are trustworthy?
As C.S. Lewis puts it (and I've definitely read this in multiple contexts recently):
When I consider who I'm becoming comfortable enough to be vulnerable with, to an extent, I already make the assumption that I don't trust they'll know me well enough to respond in a manner fitting to me and my situation, and that's my bad on my part, because it stops me from sharing my struggles with them. I need to take that risk and be okay with the possibility that not 100% of the people I'll ever confide in with will be trustworthy, because if I never give them a chance, how will they ever be able to show that they are trustworthy?
As C.S. Lewis puts it (and I've definitely read this in multiple contexts recently):
“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”
I consider myself a fairly open and genuine person, yet without knowing it, my subconscious definitely places a facade out there. I suppose when people say they think I'm happy go lucky, they're not too far from the truth. I'm not that open with letting "[my] heart [be] wrung and possibly broken."
I want to be safe. I want to know that you are a person I can trust. But what does that ultimately say about me? Do I truly believe that my God is a good God that provides? That He is a good God that was, is, and always will be faithful in loving me? And that that alone is enough? How does this mentality reflect my own heart? Being safe isn't what God has called me or any of us to do. We're called to love, and as C.S. Lewis has keenly pointed out, loving those around us is not safe or secure or comfortable in any way. Rather, I'm starting to believe more so that I'm not striving to love others, but that I'm striving to love others... so long as they love me back.
...Wow.
It's weird. Now that I think about it, Sarah definitely told me that exact thing like a month ago, yet it didn't sink in how selfish I've been/I'm being until just now.
Oh God how I need You. How often I forget it's not, "We love so others can love us back," but rather, "We love because He first loved us." Father, change and transform my broken, sinful, and flawed nature. Constantly remind me of your love. Father, let me continually remember that that is enough. Being vulnerable is hard, but You already did the hardest part. You've provided the ultimate sacrifice. Why can't I even begin to make a small sacrifice?
Father, I pray that as You continue to reveal the depravity of my human state, that you would continually show me that it is only through true reliance on You that I may change.
Sunday, July 7, 2013
Convicted
It's funny. I feel like growing up in the church, I didn't always hear too much about the Holy Spirit, but the first thing I have to teach kids about in this Sunday School is, dun dun dun, you guessed it, the Holy Spirit, which is awesome, because that means that I get to learn about the Holy Spirit too!
But anyhow, I read John 14:26 while preparing for Sunday School last night. It says:
"But the Counselor, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you."
And the Teacher's Guide points out that "it's important to understand that the Holy Spirit reminds us of words that Jesus has spoken. we read them in the Bible. If we haven't learned Jesus' words in the first place, we can't be 'reminded' of them, can we? Then, as we read God's Word, the Holy Spirit will help us use the truth in the Bible to make wise decisions. And the Spirit will also give us the strength to do what we know is right" because He is our Comforter, our Guide, and our Teacher.
And after reading that, I was like OOF, that's a good Word. Go you, Sunday School Teacher's Guide, go you.
But anyhow, I read John 14:26 while preparing for Sunday School last night. It says:
"But the Counselor, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you."
And the Teacher's Guide points out that "it's important to understand that the Holy Spirit reminds us of words that Jesus has spoken. we read them in the Bible. If we haven't learned Jesus' words in the first place, we can't be 'reminded' of them, can we? Then, as we read God's Word, the Holy Spirit will help us use the truth in the Bible to make wise decisions. And the Spirit will also give us the strength to do what we know is right" because He is our Comforter, our Guide, and our Teacher.
And after reading that, I was like OOF, that's a good Word. Go you, Sunday School Teacher's Guide, go you.
But It's Hard
I'm not gonna lie, this summer has been really, really hard.
A few weeks back, I shared on my home church's blog:
"I feel like I haven’t always gotten what I’ve been giving in relationships here, or people are just gone, and I physically can’t be in community with them, and I’m sitting here on my butt, wishing that my desire to pursue and be pursued by God was stronger than my dismay over a feeling (emphasis on the word feeling) of a lack in community, but I can’t."
and that's the core of why I feel like I've been struggling so much this summer. I feel like I've been lacking in community. Yet God has a funny way of putting things into perspective. After reflecting on the past semester, I felt like I was a little too happy - things were really good even in the midst of my struggle in switching spiritual communities; and so I asked God to give me struggles this summer, so that He may grow me. Concerning how exactly I wanted to grow, I wanted two things going into this summer:
1) to grow and learn what it truly means to rely on God alone (primarily by spending time in the Word) - to understand not only with my head, but with my heart that He alone sustains, and
2) to serve in CFCC and to increase and invest in the Crossroads community and my other relationships.
Yet goal #2 was never meant to impede on goal #1, but that's definitely what is happening right now. I just feel such a giant lack in community and I feel like I don't really have any people as strong pillars to rely on, that I find myself at a point where I have no motivation to actively and truly pursue God... ah... #extrovertproblems... I keep telling God - once things get better, then I'll be able to refocus on You, yet through so many instances, God keeps telling me otherwise. He keeps telling me that it's once I look to pursue Him first that then I will be able to find joy in pursuing community even as progress seems slow or stagnant. And the irony of it all is that Crossroads is doing a study on Biblical community right now. God keeps bringing it to my attention that as I'm asking Him for help, He is giving me answers, and He is providing a way out, but I keep telling Him, "No, God, it's too hard. The feelings of discouragement and whatnot are too strong to overcome." and yet He keeps telling me, "No, my son, you can - you are able to do this. I have already provided. Trust me, and take the leap of faith."
I've been thinking about this a lot recently, and I have already understood that God has been telling me this for a while now, and I just keep rebelling against Him and running away, so why finally muster the will to make this blog and post about this now?
Tomorrow is the first day I'm teaching Sunday School ever (another answered prayer/opportunity God has given me for goal #2), and I started preparing for it about three hours ago (I know, I know - I'm cutting it a tad close, but hey, I didn't get the materials until yesterday. ... I know, I know, excuses excuses WHATEVER, I'll do better next week). And there is this section of the Teacher's Guide called "Preparing Your Heart To Teach," and for this week's lesson, it read, "... the fruit of our teaching ministry comes from allowing Christ to work in us and through us. It is then that our preparation and experience bear fruit. Be sure your preparation includes the nurturing of your own spiritual life by spending time in prayer and reading Scripture for your own growth." And that's what I've been unable to motivate myself to do. I haven't been able to just sit down, and listen to the words God has already provided for us.
As I continued to prepare for tomorrow's lesson, I got to spend time in the Word, and it was just so good being able to hear Jesus and God talk again in their most direct form - His God-breathed Scripture sent to us. It was strangely familiar and close to home - in a nostalgic way - and I'm sitting here, kinda chuckling to myself how it took a Sunday School teaching manual to get me to realize in my heart, that before I can genuinely and truly achieve goal #2, I have to pursue achieving goal #1. Oh the many ways these children will be able to help me on my own walk... it'll be fun! :)
God never promised our respective journeys would be easy, but He does promise that He'll be with us each step of the way, and that He will provide a way. At each point of struggle on my walk this summer, God has continued to reveal how He supports my goals, how He is lighting the path at my feet, and how He should be filling me with an undeniable and unceasing sense of joy because of His saving grace.
I mean, but it's hard.
But is that going to continue to stop me like it has for the past month? I only pray it won't. :)
A few weeks back, I shared on my home church's blog:
"I feel like I haven’t always gotten what I’ve been giving in relationships here, or people are just gone, and I physically can’t be in community with them, and I’m sitting here on my butt, wishing that my desire to pursue and be pursued by God was stronger than my dismay over a feeling (emphasis on the word feeling) of a lack in community, but I can’t."
and that's the core of why I feel like I've been struggling so much this summer. I feel like I've been lacking in community. Yet God has a funny way of putting things into perspective. After reflecting on the past semester, I felt like I was a little too happy - things were really good even in the midst of my struggle in switching spiritual communities; and so I asked God to give me struggles this summer, so that He may grow me. Concerning how exactly I wanted to grow, I wanted two things going into this summer:
1) to grow and learn what it truly means to rely on God alone (primarily by spending time in the Word) - to understand not only with my head, but with my heart that He alone sustains, and
2) to serve in CFCC and to increase and invest in the Crossroads community and my other relationships.
Yet goal #2 was never meant to impede on goal #1, but that's definitely what is happening right now. I just feel such a giant lack in community and I feel like I don't really have any people as strong pillars to rely on, that I find myself at a point where I have no motivation to actively and truly pursue God... ah... #extrovertproblems... I keep telling God - once things get better, then I'll be able to refocus on You, yet through so many instances, God keeps telling me otherwise. He keeps telling me that it's once I look to pursue Him first that then I will be able to find joy in pursuing community even as progress seems slow or stagnant. And the irony of it all is that Crossroads is doing a study on Biblical community right now. God keeps bringing it to my attention that as I'm asking Him for help, He is giving me answers, and He is providing a way out, but I keep telling Him, "No, God, it's too hard. The feelings of discouragement and whatnot are too strong to overcome." and yet He keeps telling me, "No, my son, you can - you are able to do this. I have already provided. Trust me, and take the leap of faith."
I've been thinking about this a lot recently, and I have already understood that God has been telling me this for a while now, and I just keep rebelling against Him and running away, so why finally muster the will to make this blog and post about this now?
Tomorrow is the first day I'm teaching Sunday School ever (another answered prayer/opportunity God has given me for goal #2), and I started preparing for it about three hours ago (I know, I know - I'm cutting it a tad close, but hey, I didn't get the materials until yesterday. ... I know, I know, excuses excuses WHATEVER, I'll do better next week). And there is this section of the Teacher's Guide called "Preparing Your Heart To Teach," and for this week's lesson, it read, "... the fruit of our teaching ministry comes from allowing Christ to work in us and through us. It is then that our preparation and experience bear fruit. Be sure your preparation includes the nurturing of your own spiritual life by spending time in prayer and reading Scripture for your own growth." And that's what I've been unable to motivate myself to do. I haven't been able to just sit down, and listen to the words God has already provided for us.
As I continued to prepare for tomorrow's lesson, I got to spend time in the Word, and it was just so good being able to hear Jesus and God talk again in their most direct form - His God-breathed Scripture sent to us. It was strangely familiar and close to home - in a nostalgic way - and I'm sitting here, kinda chuckling to myself how it took a Sunday School teaching manual to get me to realize in my heart, that before I can genuinely and truly achieve goal #2, I have to pursue achieving goal #1. Oh the many ways these children will be able to help me on my own walk... it'll be fun! :)
God never promised our respective journeys would be easy, but He does promise that He'll be with us each step of the way, and that He will provide a way. At each point of struggle on my walk this summer, God has continued to reveal how He supports my goals, how He is lighting the path at my feet, and how He should be filling me with an undeniable and unceasing sense of joy because of His saving grace.
I mean, but it's hard.
But is that going to continue to stop me like it has for the past month? I only pray it won't. :)
Welcome!
So I've been meaning to make a real blog of my own, and I've finally gotten around to just doing it! I mean, yeah, I've already been trying to turn my tumblr into more of a thoughts/reflection blog, but... not gonna lie, it's hard to when there are always so many funny and cute and delicious things all over the place, so I suppose that's what this is for. I only hope that as I share and muse on the struggles and realizations I'm experiencing that you may be encouraged on your journey as well! c:
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