But It's Hard

I'm not gonna lie, this summer has been really, really hard.

A few weeks back, I shared on my home church's blog:

"I feel like I haven’t always gotten what I’ve been giving in relationships here, or people are just gone, and I physically can’t be in community with them, and I’m sitting here on my butt, wishing that my desire to pursue and be pursued by God was stronger than my dismay over a feeling (emphasis on the word feeling) of a lack in community, but I can’t."

and that's the core of why I feel like I've been struggling so much this summer. I feel like I've been lacking in community. Yet God has a funny way of putting things into perspective. After reflecting on the past semester, I felt like I was a little too happy - things were really good even in the midst of my struggle in switching spiritual communities; and so I asked God to give me struggles this summer, so that He may grow me. Concerning how exactly I wanted to grow, I wanted two things going into this summer:
1) to grow and learn what it truly means to rely on God alone (primarily by spending time in the Word) - to understand not only with my head, but with my heart that He alone sustains, and
2) to serve in CFCC and to increase and invest in the Crossroads community and my other relationships.

Yet goal #2 was never meant to impede on goal #1, but that's definitely what is happening right now. I just feel such a giant lack in community and I feel like I don't really have any people as strong pillars to rely on, that I find myself at a point where I have no motivation to actively and truly pursue God... ah... #extrovertproblems... I keep telling God - once things get better, then I'll be able to refocus on You, yet through so many instances, God keeps telling me otherwise. He keeps telling me that it's once I look to pursue Him first that then I will be able to find joy in pursuing community even as progress seems slow or stagnant. And the irony of it all is that Crossroads is doing a study on Biblical community right now. God keeps bringing it to my attention that as I'm asking Him for help, He is giving me answers, and He is providing a way out, but I keep telling Him, "No, God, it's too hard. The feelings of discouragement and whatnot are too strong to overcome." and yet He keeps telling me, "No, my son, you can - you are able to do this. I have already provided. Trust me, and take the leap of faith."

I've been thinking about this a lot recently, and I have already understood that God has been telling me this for a while now, and I just keep rebelling against Him and running away, so why finally muster the will to make this blog and post about this now?

Tomorrow is the first day I'm teaching Sunday School ever (another answered prayer/opportunity God has given me for goal #2), and I started preparing for it about three hours ago (I know, I know - I'm cutting it a tad close, but hey, I didn't get the materials until yesterday. ... I know, I know, excuses excuses WHATEVER, I'll do better next week). And there is this section of the Teacher's Guide called "Preparing Your Heart To Teach," and for this week's lesson, it read, "... the fruit of our teaching ministry comes from allowing Christ to work in us and through us. It is then that our preparation and experience bear fruit. Be sure your preparation includes the nurturing of your own spiritual life by spending time in prayer and reading Scripture for your own growth." And that's what I've been unable to motivate myself to do. I haven't been able to just sit down, and listen to the words God has already provided for us.

As I continued to prepare for tomorrow's lesson, I got to spend time in the Word, and it was just so good being able to hear Jesus and God talk again in their most direct form - His God-breathed Scripture sent to us. It was strangely familiar and close to home - in a nostalgic way - and I'm sitting here, kinda chuckling to myself how it took a Sunday School teaching manual to get me to realize in my heart, that before I can genuinely and truly achieve goal #2, I have to pursue achieving goal #1. Oh the many ways these children will be able to help me on my own walk... it'll be fun! :)

God never promised our respective journeys would be easy, but He does promise that He'll be with us each step of the way, and that He will provide a way. At each point of struggle on my walk this summer, God has continued to reveal how He supports my goals, how He is lighting the path at my feet, and how He should be filling me with an undeniable and unceasing sense of joy because of His saving grace.

I mean, but it's hard.

But is that going to continue to stop me like it has for the past month? I only pray it won't. :)