Being vulnerable...

is hard.

When I consider who I'm becoming comfortable enough to be vulnerable with, to an extent, I already make the assumption that I don't trust they'll know me well enough to respond in a manner fitting to me and my situation, and that's my bad on my part, because it stops me from sharing my struggles with them. I need to take that risk and be okay with the possibility that not 100% of the people I'll ever confide in with will be trustworthy, because if I never give them a chance, how will they ever be able to show that they are trustworthy?

As C.S. Lewis puts it (and I've definitely read this in multiple contexts recently):

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.” 

I consider myself a fairly open and genuine person, yet without knowing it, my subconscious definitely places a facade out there. I suppose when people say they think I'm happy go lucky, they're not too far from the truth. I'm not that open with letting "[my] heart [be] wrung and possibly broken." 

I want to be safe. I want to know that you are a person I can trust. But what does that ultimately say about me? Do I truly believe that my God is a good God that provides? That He is a good God that was, is, and always will be faithful in loving me? And that that alone is enough? How does this mentality reflect my own heart? Being safe isn't what God has called me or any of us to do. We're called to love, and as C.S. Lewis has keenly pointed out, loving those around us is not safe or secure or comfortable in any way. Rather, I'm starting to believe more so that I'm not striving to love others, but that I'm striving to love others... so long as they love me back.

...Wow.

It's weird. Now that I think about it, Sarah definitely told me that exact thing like a month ago, yet it didn't sink in how selfish I've been/I'm being until just now. 

Oh God how I need You. How often I forget it's not, "We love so others can love us back," but rather, "We love because He first loved us." Father, change and transform my broken, sinful, and flawed nature. Constantly remind me of your love. Father, let me continually remember that that is enough. Being vulnerable is hard, but You already did the hardest part. You've provided the ultimate sacrifice. Why can't I even begin to make a small sacrifice? 

Father, I pray that as You continue to reveal the depravity of my human state, that you would continually show me that it is only through true reliance on You that I may change.