Homesick

I miss being able to sit around at home all day and play Fire Emblem if I want to. I miss taking spontaneous trips to In-n-Out if I want to. I miss spending time with friends and going swimming and playing dumb games if we want to. I miss awkward random Asian family gatherings where you meet a bunch of kids, awkwardly not talk for the first hour, but end up being able to enjoy each others' company and playing together fine. I miss just sitting and enjoying the presence of friends and family (and home-made mochi :3).

I miss rest.

After touring with FCS, I began to have this constant feeling of exhaustion no matter how much I slept that I, at first, attributed to not sleeping well the weekend of tour. But as the days turned to weeks, I began to think that... it probably wasn't just that weekend that has caused this onset of fatigue. I had first shared this with Christine roughly a week after tour had ended, and she just asked me, "Have you been truly resting?" to which I don't think I really knew the answer to. And I don't think I truly knew the answer to that question until this past weekend. Even though the reason why I went home wasn't particularly joyous (you can ask me in person why I went home if you're really curious on how to be praying for me), those short, sweet four days spent at home really revealed to me the lack of rest I'm finding here at Berkeley. It was just so good, and I could just sit there and relish in God's goodness. I mean, I can and do definitely do that here in Berkeley too, because our God is a good God who remains constant and whose goodness is infinite and unceasing, but it doesn't stop me from feeling pangs of sadness, loneliness, or apathy, and all I can say is that I'm really homesick.

As I'm running around this track, trying to jump over hurdle after hurdle, and as I continue to just circle around and around this track, I'm just thinking, what is this all for? What am I trying accomplish with this time that I've been blessed with this summer here in Berkeley and how do I go about pursuing that?

I know the answer, but the how, I'm not so sure about anymore. I'm in a slump, and I don't know how to get out. Fall semester starts in one month and a half, and I feel like I'm just clinging onto this slippery slope, continuing to slip, just waiting to hit rock bottom, so there's absolutely nowhere else to turn to, but towards Him.

Father, this past weekend was a glimpse of the rest I can feel when I find peace and true reliance on You. Help me to do this, because I cannot on my own. I say I'm homesick for my earthly home, but this just reveals more so my homesickness to be with You. Let me seek You to the best of my ability with my time here on Earth.